sorry or please?

I'm such a neurotic idiot sometimes.
I cannot wait untill Kass get's off that damn plane. I'm probably way to excited. But part of me thinks that maybe having her here will make me remember the way things used to be, like when we were kids. Kind of bring me back to a past reality, and make me feel like Utah hasn't laid baby eggs in my head.
As much fun it's going to be to have part of Oregon here, I would rather have all of me in Oregon.
Therefor I am pretty sure it's inevitable I will be traveling there this spring. Probably sometime in April with Elyse before she moves on to bigger things. I've been thinking a lot about my mother, grandmother and the family up there.
I just want to put some flowers on his grave.
Eh flowers.
Maybe I'll put something more fitting...like a paintbrush, or a cottonball. I remember when I was little he'd convince me that cotton was clouds and throw cottonballs at me.

Mom seems to be up in fits again. I called her a while ago...I forgot her birthday. Which makes it the 2nd year in the row, which would make me a bad daughter but considering...yeah. Well I could tell something was wrong, deeper then belated birthday wishes. My sister called her psychologist. Could be a number of things; Dad. Grandpa. Me. But mostly I think it's her hatred of herself. The only things that hate her more than her are the voices she hears. She needs to be hospitalized again. It's the only way I feel truely safe and I'm in a completely different State. On that same note; I've been skipping through Scott Peck M.D.'s book, "Glimpse of the Devil." More familiar would be his previous novel, "A Road Less Traveled." Well "glimpse" is about exorcisms, and crazy, psychotic, coo coo banana devil possesions. I'm a skeptic as we all know. I question everything in this damn world, including, and in fact MOSTLY it's "maker." Well it got my brain shifting in a paranoid kind of way. When you have a clinically psychotic family member and you read this shit, it's all pretty unsetteling.

I missed the CNN democratic president hopefull debate on the Iraq War.
Bummed about it.

this is bigger than you, fogel.

Been missing my dad extremely lately.
The snow is finally melting away.

I can't help but wonder if a friend is counting down the days to his own absolution.

I'm jonesin' to feel alive.
Drive into a warm sunset with the windows and my hair down, a classic on the radio, and no cares.

i am not a hampster and life is not a wheel

Well! That didn't quite turn out as expected.

Oh well, that's life.

:) :)

I'm going to target to buy some candles.