jumbled minds rarely make sense.

I haven't written in a long time. But that doesnt stop my mind from overloading.
So many things are going on right now, yet I seem to be paceing the house waiting for time to trickle by just that much faster.

My memories of cinco de mayo have always been from my younger years growing up in the more run down part of my small town. Going to a more minority school where the mexican holiday was emphisized. Red, white and green everywhere. For at least a while in my life now it will or will not be a chapters end. That makes no sense to you, but plenty to me. It was strange last night after being with friends, being happy and laughing and then going to see him. He asked me why I was glum. I lied. It's not the usually grind...it's the thought of you going away. I don't know what's going to happen after tonight but I'm scared. I don't want to fall in a rut of infatuation with someone who is in to much of a rut of life. I just don't want to end up missing the person I thought he was. But there is so much of me that he might not miss either.

I'm having a "complication" with employment. Many peoples complications are finding a job. Mine is getting rid of one. As for the next two weeks I'll have 3 jobs. And I have no idea what the hell I want. I'm quitting one of them of course, I'm completely torn as to what one. For money I should just stick with the two I originally had. And finally get into a savings, but I'm just so miserable half the time. It's such a bipolar situation. And my brain hurts to much to think about it.

Mother's day is coming up... June is coming up... which means father's day will be here too. And so will June 1st. Marking 3 years since Dad got sick. I find it so difficult to talk on the phone.


Thank god I'm going on vacation.

almost famous?

I haven't updated in a long time now. I'm not sure why not, just feels useless I guess.

Bryan died. I don't know how I feel about it. At first it felt like...oh okay. And after going through some stuff and finding his picture and a card he wrote me, it got a little rough. And now it's grown to not feeling that real at all.

But I lit a candle anyway.

And I got the strength up to call my mom...and talk about the weather and death...and not to much else.

I heard the funeral was beautiful though. And that there was a slide show, and in that slide show there was a funny picture of me, bryan and that old dirty poodle we had once.

I don't remember the poodle's name. It had a seziure and died in our living room one day.

It's weird to look at the picture now and realize I'm the only one alive.

I don't like it. I just...don't.

What was that poodle's damn name?

[42]

it came across like you were mad. holding in your breath with everything you had until your face began to turn red. "this is why i turn and walk away from everything."
What ever she see's is only half of what i am, her middle child, her daughter. And that's the only side she'll ever know.

the weather was beautiful today.

who the hell is teaching? I'm not learning my lesson.

I'm pretty emotionally exahausted. I think I've reached a new point in my life though. For the past couple years I have been fretting about, sitting through therapists, and wondering why all this happened to us.

And I think I'm finally done.

I moved to Utah to have a change in my life. To get away from the ghosts and familiarity of Oregon.

And no matter how much I sit around and think about my Dad and the way he used to joke, what books he used to read, and the conversations we had, he's never coming back. I've pretty much been accepting this but at least once a day I'm reminded, I think I'll have to live with that for quite a while longer. I just miss him so god damn much. I often have thoughts about how getting to know him as an adult would have been like. Not so much father daughter but as adults. I don't know if that's strange, but it makes me sad to know it will never happen.

But for now I'm done. I'm done worrying about her and missing him so much it makes me sick. I'm just....done.

familiar faces and older ghosts.

Yeah, Utah was the right choice.

sorry or please?

I'm such a neurotic idiot sometimes.
I cannot wait untill Kass get's off that damn plane. I'm probably way to excited. But part of me thinks that maybe having her here will make me remember the way things used to be, like when we were kids. Kind of bring me back to a past reality, and make me feel like Utah hasn't laid baby eggs in my head.
As much fun it's going to be to have part of Oregon here, I would rather have all of me in Oregon.
Therefor I am pretty sure it's inevitable I will be traveling there this spring. Probably sometime in April with Elyse before she moves on to bigger things. I've been thinking a lot about my mother, grandmother and the family up there.
I just want to put some flowers on his grave.
Eh flowers.
Maybe I'll put something more fitting...like a paintbrush, or a cottonball. I remember when I was little he'd convince me that cotton was clouds and throw cottonballs at me.

Mom seems to be up in fits again. I called her a while ago...I forgot her birthday. Which makes it the 2nd year in the row, which would make me a bad daughter but considering...yeah. Well I could tell something was wrong, deeper then belated birthday wishes. My sister called her psychologist. Could be a number of things; Dad. Grandpa. Me. But mostly I think it's her hatred of herself. The only things that hate her more than her are the voices she hears. She needs to be hospitalized again. It's the only way I feel truely safe and I'm in a completely different State. On that same note; I've been skipping through Scott Peck M.D.'s book, "Glimpse of the Devil." More familiar would be his previous novel, "A Road Less Traveled." Well "glimpse" is about exorcisms, and crazy, psychotic, coo coo banana devil possesions. I'm a skeptic as we all know. I question everything in this damn world, including, and in fact MOSTLY it's "maker." Well it got my brain shifting in a paranoid kind of way. When you have a clinically psychotic family member and you read this shit, it's all pretty unsetteling.

I missed the CNN democratic president hopefull debate on the Iraq War.
Bummed about it.

this is bigger than you, fogel.

Been missing my dad extremely lately.
The snow is finally melting away.

I can't help but wonder if a friend is counting down the days to his own absolution.

I'm jonesin' to feel alive.
Drive into a warm sunset with the windows and my hair down, a classic on the radio, and no cares.