jumbled minds rarely make sense.

I haven't written in a long time. But that doesnt stop my mind from overloading.
So many things are going on right now, yet I seem to be paceing the house waiting for time to trickle by just that much faster.

My memories of cinco de mayo have always been from my younger years growing up in the more run down part of my small town. Going to a more minority school where the mexican holiday was emphisized. Red, white and green everywhere. For at least a while in my life now it will or will not be a chapters end. That makes no sense to you, but plenty to me. It was strange last night after being with friends, being happy and laughing and then going to see him. He asked me why I was glum. I lied. It's not the usually grind...it's the thought of you going away. I don't know what's going to happen after tonight but I'm scared. I don't want to fall in a rut of infatuation with someone who is in to much of a rut of life. I just don't want to end up missing the person I thought he was. But there is so much of me that he might not miss either.

I'm having a "complication" with employment. Many peoples complications are finding a job. Mine is getting rid of one. As for the next two weeks I'll have 3 jobs. And I have no idea what the hell I want. I'm quitting one of them of course, I'm completely torn as to what one. For money I should just stick with the two I originally had. And finally get into a savings, but I'm just so miserable half the time. It's such a bipolar situation. And my brain hurts to much to think about it.

Mother's day is coming up... June is coming up... which means father's day will be here too. And so will June 1st. Marking 3 years since Dad got sick. I find it so difficult to talk on the phone.


Thank god I'm going on vacation.