bahumbug

I think I've figured out what the majority of my malfunctions are circling around latley.

Bloody Christmas.

I usually don't mind it. It's not my favorite holiday. I've never really hated it. This year, however, the holly season is driving me insane. It could be the result of working in a mall. To many people. To much tinsle. To many "happy holidays" and "ho ho ho's". Not to mention a jolly fat man in the food court with children on his lap and sappy never-ending christmas songs vomiting from every speaker in hearing distance.

I've gift wrapped way to many pairs of jeans and it's not even december. This has to be the first year that am actually disliking Christmas. It's getting annoying. I've found myself to be quite the grinch. I think it's because it's my first Christmas out of Oregon and I'm not used to that idea yet. Or it could be my increase of 80% lack of faith in the human race. Or maybe my lack of faith in general. Why celebrate a religious holiday without religion? Ah who am I kidding. Christmas hasn't been about Christ in years. Cynical, sad, irritating but very true.

I need something to lift my spirits. Anything? Anyone? Brad is back in Idaho. I really don't know when the next is that I will see him. He is going back to Oregon in 3 weeks and he is staying there. His terms are done. And I'll be 700 miles and a damn time zone away. Whoopy.

I feel weird lately. Like a bad friend, which makes me even more grumpy. But it seems like everyone I used to be close with just gets mad at me. I don't mean to hurt anyone... I'm human just like everyone else. I'm not mad at anyone but myself really, and I really don't have a reason to be. I'm trying to get along with myself lately. Kind of accept myself for who I am. Which isn't exactly working I guess because I just find more things not to like about me. It shocks me that many people would like a girl like me. And it makes me not blame the people who don't really care for my company anymore. I don't know if that makes much sense. I guess it doesnt have too since it's my blog. I'm just thankful for the friends and family I do have, and I really miss them because it seems like I've been off in my own little world working and trying to get stuff taken care of, and of course thinking to many "what ifs." God I annoy the hell out of myself sometime. I really don't know how to change it. I just feel like such a dull, cynical, grumpy person. But I don't want to be fake to anyone, and I should make myself happy first. But seriously...how do I do that?

I seriously need some egg nog with scotch, and I nice alcoholic cry. Help?

Did I mention I hate the holidays.

confusion

I've been thinking way to much about finding light, as usual. I think I might have found it, but I want to be completely sure.

How do I do that?

Cause this shit is not about pants and this shit is not about shirts and this shit is definitely not about hair. this shit is about having a good fucking time. maybe music isn't dead, maybe we all just forgot what it fucking sounded like.

That quote applies quite strangely in many different ways to me at the present time. It's more personal than anything and it doesnt really have anything to do much with music, but more with life in general. Maybe I'm just forgetting what is fucking sounds like.

700 miles is to far. That town is to fucking far...I've lived in Utah for about half a year now and I feel like that Klamath in haunting me. I think God, if he's up there, is telling me something.

It's time to cut the cord.

...all the cords.

when in rome

On behalf of my crazy self that actually published that last blog entry, I would like to apologize. I was and in fact am still having a rough time. To be completely honest I still feel tonight how I felt when I wrote that. I'm not proud of it, but I can also not ignore it. That's the reality. Bad day's suck. It really hurts when you don't feel good enough for much, and you really don't have anywhere to turn.

Which brings me to my next point; I hate circles. To repetitive. Never surprising. Same ol' same ol' with those circles. Now an octagon... an octagon I can live with.

When I was five years old I wanted to be an astronomer. You should feel lucky, reader. Not many people know that fact about me. My father bought me a toy telescope. I thought with that plastic tube on a stand I could see the universe. In all it's enormity. I thought I could see the eye of jupiter and the rings of saturn as if it were hair in my eyes.

14 years later I, Christine Friedrich. Chris. Grew up. And no one handed me a towel.

Getting older, wow. It's a limit, a wall, some kind of fence. Intangible proof that caution can still exist. It should still exist. But maybe you are like me, you aren't like me. Growing up to you can mean opposite things. Limitless. Liberation. Freedom. The never-ending cotton candy sky has never looked so invitingly sweet.

So, we'll exsist. Within boundaries, borders, limits and lines. We'll breathe as we always have. We'll write as we always will. We'll love just a little bit more. We'll take just a little bit less. But, the cotton-candy sky will not change for me. For us. For them. And to me...
That is beautiful.

I wish change didn't ache. I wish it didn't pull the wrong strings. I wish it wouldn't take away the many things it inevitably will. I wish it would bring with it, happiness, fortune, love... one day it will. Not for a 19 year old. We aren't that lucky in the "best days of our lives." If these are the best days why do I miss looking through a plastic tube at a distant star and being do damn ignorant I didn't know war or killing, all I really knew was that star. Why do I miss walking through the halls holding hands in an immature relationship. When did marriage and family and a career all of a sudden turn into close goals? When did our relationship turn into saying goodnight to an answering machine. When was this out of our hands? And why does change hurt so bad?

When did I start caring who made the earth and the trees? When was I first introduced to a higher power? When did I stop believing? When did praying start to seem ridiculous and useless? When I kept losing people. When I got so damn sad the only relief was vodka. When no matter how much I tried nothing was good enough. I wasn't good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm still waiting for those prayers. Where are you? You've given me things I don't deserve. Half a wonderful family, an amazing boy, opportunites. But you'll never give me my dad back, my mom...you'll never make my sister smile like she used to, and you won't make my grandmother stop doubting. I don't understand your ways, I don't know if you there. I'm confused. Even if you were I wouldn't deserve even you.

life handbook

I'm under a little to much stress lately, mostly because I'm an idiot. I need to figure things out. I know I sound really cynical but I don't really care right now. I really need God, I'm really getting into the funk of really not being okay. The only person I actually want to talk to right now is in Idaho. In reality I'm not even good enough for him. I'm not what is expected of me and I never will be and I love him so much. And I'm sorry if this isn't understood but I'm really not okay but there are no blessing's for Christine. She's not good enough for them and how selfish it is of me to ask God for help. If I'm not going to pray when the sunshines I don't deserve to when it rains. If I could physically kick myself in the head I would. Hard.