bahumbug

I think I've figured out what the majority of my malfunctions are circling around latley.

Bloody Christmas.

I usually don't mind it. It's not my favorite holiday. I've never really hated it. This year, however, the holly season is driving me insane. It could be the result of working in a mall. To many people. To much tinsle. To many "happy holidays" and "ho ho ho's". Not to mention a jolly fat man in the food court with children on his lap and sappy never-ending christmas songs vomiting from every speaker in hearing distance.

I've gift wrapped way to many pairs of jeans and it's not even december. This has to be the first year that am actually disliking Christmas. It's getting annoying. I've found myself to be quite the grinch. I think it's because it's my first Christmas out of Oregon and I'm not used to that idea yet. Or it could be my increase of 80% lack of faith in the human race. Or maybe my lack of faith in general. Why celebrate a religious holiday without religion? Ah who am I kidding. Christmas hasn't been about Christ in years. Cynical, sad, irritating but very true.

I need something to lift my spirits. Anything? Anyone? Brad is back in Idaho. I really don't know when the next is that I will see him. He is going back to Oregon in 3 weeks and he is staying there. His terms are done. And I'll be 700 miles and a damn time zone away. Whoopy.

I feel weird lately. Like a bad friend, which makes me even more grumpy. But it seems like everyone I used to be close with just gets mad at me. I don't mean to hurt anyone... I'm human just like everyone else. I'm not mad at anyone but myself really, and I really don't have a reason to be. I'm trying to get along with myself lately. Kind of accept myself for who I am. Which isn't exactly working I guess because I just find more things not to like about me. It shocks me that many people would like a girl like me. And it makes me not blame the people who don't really care for my company anymore. I don't know if that makes much sense. I guess it doesnt have too since it's my blog. I'm just thankful for the friends and family I do have, and I really miss them because it seems like I've been off in my own little world working and trying to get stuff taken care of, and of course thinking to many "what ifs." God I annoy the hell out of myself sometime. I really don't know how to change it. I just feel like such a dull, cynical, grumpy person. But I don't want to be fake to anyone, and I should make myself happy first. But seriously...how do I do that?

I seriously need some egg nog with scotch, and I nice alcoholic cry. Help?

Did I mention I hate the holidays.