screw my life

Alright. Life sucks.

Shall we make a damn chart? Bad news first?

Negatives:
-Brad's gone to oregon for many months.
-I crashed my damn car.
-said damn car is being stupid.
-for the last 3 days I have worked 13 hours everyday.
-I'm not done christmas shopping.

So Brad left today for who knows how long. I miss him, I love him, and I feel an insane urge of depression kicking in for him not being here. My car and a miada collided via ice and hill. For the past couple days I have worked 13 hours A DAY. Everyday...13 damn hours. Which has resulted in me being exhausted, in serious pain, and grumpy as hell. I seriously hate people and have lost all patience with the world. My lack of faith in humanity as risen to an all time high of 95.6%. I still have shopping to do but everytime I go into the store I go through a fit of clausterphobia. I know I'm not smiling so people are afraid to talk to me. And obviously through out this week it built up in my system because today during my 10 minute break at anchorblue, after having an emotional conversation with my mother, I had a frikin mental breakdown. Scared the hell out of my boss, I know that much. She was supportive though, even though I didn't want or really even need support. Which brings me to the point of actually missing oregon. I miss my dad so damn much. I think about him all the time yet I can't even bring myself to face the facts. Because this always happens, he had such a miserable life. Yes, it sucks shit happened. Being completely helpless is the worse feeling in the world. Especially when it comes to taking care of someone you care about. The conversation today was full of misery on steroids. I miss my dad and i worry about my mom. So I ended up calling my sister and throwing everything at her face in which I had boxted up. Brad, Utah, Oregon, Work, School, Dad, Mom, Her. And after a half our of sobbing I finally felt a little better. I love my sister.

On a bit of an upside (and I say that lightly at the moment because my cynisism is much to high to be happy.) I recieved a promise ring from Braden. Which is getting me through my day. But everytime I look down at it I'm reminded of how he isn't here...and it's so iffy what might happen to us right now. And it kills...so that's a mixture of emotion. Though it is the most beautiful, most meaningful thing I think I own.

Well I still have 5 more hours to work, and I have to go get ready.




I think I'll go find a god to pray to.