enormity

I'm getting sick. It's traumatic. But don't fear yet, I will be well soon and whenever that is I hope that, which is my literary tree will provide bountiful fruit.

I'm really tired of living in limbo age. The gap between being a twenty-something and being the sweet, naive teenager who thinks she has the world figured out.

I'm not exactly sure if this is a depression I feel myself falling into or if it is a side effect of illness. Either way my brain is working overtime thinking about the misery of life and reviewing years gone by. I think everyonce in a while I go through this period of desolation. I'm quite bored of it, really.

I've also been around a lot of stupid people. Not people close to me. People I pass on the streets going about their everyday lives. Coming in and out of my workplaces. And since this has happened I have been thinking about the fine line between genius and insanity. Also the differences of a stupid person thinking the world is great and beautiful, and a very intellectual, educated person realizes this world is on a downfall. That all of us are slowly wasting away, killing our planet and each other.

So my question to you is, would you rather be ignorant and happy or intelligent and miserable?

I really don't know how to answer that for myself. I'm not the smartest nor the dumbest. I'm centered, but the enormity of the world and what is happening depresses me enough to consider ending my relationship with non-ficton books.

when we first met

I've been dissapointed in my blogs lately, and the sad fact of that is it's because I'm happy. I've discovered my muse seems to be sadness and rainy days. This makes me a bit worried because journalism and creative writing as a major in college and excessive writers block does not make for a happy couple. I wish I could express more happy feelings through my writings. Maybe I just haven't found that certain part of me.

Today was beautiful. It was not sunny, warm, or even "cheery" in any sense, but it was beautiful. If it rained at all it was hardly enough to make cars glisten, not nearly enough to make puddles. Yet the sky was a brilliant gray and the trees colors were vibrant next to this background. The weather was more correctly discribes as "crisp" not cold nor bitter. The company, however, is best discribed as being perfect. Family. A few months ago I would have discribed family as dysfunctinal, horrible, depressing. Mostly because of the curve balls thrown at my head in the last few years. I realize now how angry I was, and can be sometimes at the past. I dispised my family, I left them the second I legally could. Now mere months later I have no idea what I would do without family. I love them so much. I can depend on them, laugh with them, hug them, and know without one doubt in my mind that they will support me no matter what happens. It really makes me think about the whole, "Things happen for a reason" theory. I think I need to be less ignorant and more appreciative of results. I'm so happy where I am today in life and I honestly don't think I would be here if it wasn't for the tragedies I have overcome. I'm proud of myself, and I'm proud of the person I have become.

I'm an adult with education, family, a relationship, and a job. I think I'm doing a good job. Even though at times I can question and doubt my current status I'm am very happy of my positions. I'm happy I get to share my heart with many people and further my success in life. I'm almost 19 years old. Which is ridiculous. In my 19 years I believe I have seen and felt more than perhaps a 30 year old has on average. I feel advanced and intelligent for my age, which I also strongly think has much to do with what has happened to me. It's really strange how I have grown and overcome so much. Not to say I am a matyr or a heroine of any sort. I can get very sad sometimes, as my previous blog entries obviously display. I can get very depressed and I can easily succumb to my wombs but some how I always bounce back. I'm thankful for that, at least. I know for a fact no matter what happens in my future I will be okay. In the end I will be okay.

I'm sad at the state of many people lately. Actually, no lie. Something of the upmost audacity is afoot, and somehow, I cannot place my finger on the nature of this nonsense. Everyone in anguish of depression or emptiness. I wish I did not feel so damn helpless. I wish I could make the world happy and show certain people the beauty that is them. The sad truth might be I am to afraid to tell my friends and family how much I love them, how absolutely broken I would be if I lost them. And sometimes I think it's the lack of humanistic words. There are no words that would ever do justice for how complete they make me. How much a part of "Christine" they are. One day. One day.

I think what I am trying to say overall would be I'm happy. It's simple. I'm in love, I'm surrounded by people I adore, things may seem bleak at times but as a wise man once told me, "There is a sun at every horizon." And he's right. He's absolutely right. I'm on the road now, the one that feels lukewarm as oppossed to hypothermic-frigid and hellish-burn. Where mortality is non-exsistent, eternity is a possibility, infinite is a reliable goal, impossible is not just a dream, mediocre is in actuality amazing, and the simple things are the most considered. And perhaps miracles are not coincidence, but just that: miracles. On this leaf-covered path love is a common theme and joy is extremely underrated. Blue striped shirts make a heart flutter weakly, and distance is nothing. Cynisim is respectfully ignored and hypocrisy is, of course: acceptable.

One day I'll know if there is a God. And maybe then the wonders of the world won't hurt so badly, and maybe then I'll understand why people suffer, and maybe then I'll know why the trees turn colors. Maybe then.
Untill then I'll hope because that's all I can do. Hope, wish, love, live, and pray and convince myself someone hears me.

I'll end this with I miss him, still. And um I suppose something more "Christiney" (which yes, is a new word. Look for it in the newly published websters dictionaries. You'll find it convienient and often times just damn fun to use.) Something Something Something. Uh, Viva la Revolucion and such nonsense. Fight the power. Down with conformity and go out and throw a brick through the window of a government sanctioned building in the spirit of teenage anarchy, the institution which I refuse to belong to. Uh, and keep watching the sky. [insert clever wink and click of the tounge.]

Soft Landings,
-Christine.

and then I pjam' to rooney in my head.

I haven't blogged in a long time. Mostly because I've been busy and just not in the write everything down kind of mood. However, things have been alright this past week. The love of my life came to visit me and I've been able to be around a lot of family.

I've decided that this week I'm really greatful for my aunt michelle. Well I'm greatful for her all the weeks, but especially this week. She's help me and comforted me through a lot. Via cheap wine and sitcoms. I just love how I can be so open with her. I wish my mom and her shared more than the same shaped face. I absolutely adore living this close to her. It's a literal life saver.

Now I ask you....when did I become a beacon? When did I become somewhat of a helper? A new friend of mine is going through a lot in his life. I've literally only known this kid for weeks and we've spilt the darker parts of our lives to each other. Which is odd and rare. He's getting the help he needs and I've been exactly where he is. Depressed, hardly able to function, not seeing an point what so ever of why life decideds to drag painfully on. And I hope so much that I can get the point across to him that there is more to live for. There is happiness in everything, I hope somehow I can show him that without the disposition of a corny therapist. There's not much more that I can say, though. I just don't know what I would do if something happened to him, more importantly what would happen to his friends, and even my cousin. It's a strange feeling to genuinly love and care for someone whom I hardly know, and an even stranger one to council someone who is going through many of the same things I have trudged. It almost compels me to pray.

I just finished indulging in a very interesting, and yes indie, film. Yet another amazing low budget movie. It's called "Mozart and the Whale." I really do recommend it. So strange and romantic, great camera angles ;) Phenomenal acting. Makes me jones to be creative.

Anyway, other than that I don't have much of an update. Things have been going alright. Been depressed but that's per usual these days. It'll pass. It always does. Thus the life of a struggling genius...kidding.

Well in honor of Luciano Pavarotti's birthday here is a quote:
"For me, music making is the most joyful activity possible, the most perfect expression of any emotion. "

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I orginally planned to write this epic blog entry last night after certain happenings however as soon as I made it back to layton from Elyse's all I could think about was how absolutely inviting my bed looked.

So here I am. "The Morning After" if you will... Last night was interesting. I met with Brother Poll which may have been a new development to my religious efforts. I was very curious and nervous as to what would be said in the meeting. The first part was you're average introduction. "Hi...where are you from again? ohh Oregon, I hear it's beautiful this time of year.....mhm...Layton now? Quaint town I lived there a couple years...." Etc. About an hour and half and three gallons of tears later this man who knows me only by my abrupt time-shorted life story is telling me there is something greater than him and I, something much greater, that loves and cares for me. I agree with him in the fact I don't think our meeting together was by chance at all. Maybe who ever the greater power is brings certain people into your life so you can learn and teach and grow closer to whomever he might be. Patience. I have been so angry at myself and the powers to be that I have not been shown the truth. I know better now that I need to be patient. I can't rush God. I have to pay attention to the unanswered prayers as well as the answered. I have to open my eyes and heart a whole lot more to whats happening around me. I learned a lot from our little sit down, and I hope I can keep it fresh in my mind. I really admire all of these people around me, but I still feel outcasts however, I know they are not the ones exclude me, its myself.

Elyse said an interesting thing to me last night on the way home from class. "Screw Brad." Which literally speaking would not be a problem. Okay, okay that wasn't funny. "No seriously Screw brad, screw everyone else just think about you." Simple right? It should be. It sounds easy enough. Allowing ones self to be well, selfish. What do I really want? Me? What am I looking for? What would make me happy? I really need to focus in on these questions aswell. I am being very influenced by the people around me, with good reason. I love them all and they mean the world to me. Though, I need to worry about Christine too. I'm not really sure what Christine wants other than solid answers. Which are obviously not going to happen. I'm not exactly sure why Christine thinks that she has to figure out the world right now. She is very impatient and very stubborn which is an ugly combination when looking for faith. Christine just needs a little time, I think. And she also needs to acknowledge the people around her. Like her bestfriend who is helping a lot more than she realizes. Signing her up for a doctrine class, talking to her depressed ass on long days, laughing with her when she really needs it, and most of all just there. Christine needs to stop refering to herself in 3rd person now, and she needs to go to work.