when we first met

I've been dissapointed in my blogs lately, and the sad fact of that is it's because I'm happy. I've discovered my muse seems to be sadness and rainy days. This makes me a bit worried because journalism and creative writing as a major in college and excessive writers block does not make for a happy couple. I wish I could express more happy feelings through my writings. Maybe I just haven't found that certain part of me.

Today was beautiful. It was not sunny, warm, or even "cheery" in any sense, but it was beautiful. If it rained at all it was hardly enough to make cars glisten, not nearly enough to make puddles. Yet the sky was a brilliant gray and the trees colors were vibrant next to this background. The weather was more correctly discribes as "crisp" not cold nor bitter. The company, however, is best discribed as being perfect. Family. A few months ago I would have discribed family as dysfunctinal, horrible, depressing. Mostly because of the curve balls thrown at my head in the last few years. I realize now how angry I was, and can be sometimes at the past. I dispised my family, I left them the second I legally could. Now mere months later I have no idea what I would do without family. I love them so much. I can depend on them, laugh with them, hug them, and know without one doubt in my mind that they will support me no matter what happens. It really makes me think about the whole, "Things happen for a reason" theory. I think I need to be less ignorant and more appreciative of results. I'm so happy where I am today in life and I honestly don't think I would be here if it wasn't for the tragedies I have overcome. I'm proud of myself, and I'm proud of the person I have become.

I'm an adult with education, family, a relationship, and a job. I think I'm doing a good job. Even though at times I can question and doubt my current status I'm am very happy of my positions. I'm happy I get to share my heart with many people and further my success in life. I'm almost 19 years old. Which is ridiculous. In my 19 years I believe I have seen and felt more than perhaps a 30 year old has on average. I feel advanced and intelligent for my age, which I also strongly think has much to do with what has happened to me. It's really strange how I have grown and overcome so much. Not to say I am a matyr or a heroine of any sort. I can get very sad sometimes, as my previous blog entries obviously display. I can get very depressed and I can easily succumb to my wombs but some how I always bounce back. I'm thankful for that, at least. I know for a fact no matter what happens in my future I will be okay. In the end I will be okay.

I'm sad at the state of many people lately. Actually, no lie. Something of the upmost audacity is afoot, and somehow, I cannot place my finger on the nature of this nonsense. Everyone in anguish of depression or emptiness. I wish I did not feel so damn helpless. I wish I could make the world happy and show certain people the beauty that is them. The sad truth might be I am to afraid to tell my friends and family how much I love them, how absolutely broken I would be if I lost them. And sometimes I think it's the lack of humanistic words. There are no words that would ever do justice for how complete they make me. How much a part of "Christine" they are. One day. One day.

I think what I am trying to say overall would be I'm happy. It's simple. I'm in love, I'm surrounded by people I adore, things may seem bleak at times but as a wise man once told me, "There is a sun at every horizon." And he's right. He's absolutely right. I'm on the road now, the one that feels lukewarm as oppossed to hypothermic-frigid and hellish-burn. Where mortality is non-exsistent, eternity is a possibility, infinite is a reliable goal, impossible is not just a dream, mediocre is in actuality amazing, and the simple things are the most considered. And perhaps miracles are not coincidence, but just that: miracles. On this leaf-covered path love is a common theme and joy is extremely underrated. Blue striped shirts make a heart flutter weakly, and distance is nothing. Cynisim is respectfully ignored and hypocrisy is, of course: acceptable.

One day I'll know if there is a God. And maybe then the wonders of the world won't hurt so badly, and maybe then I'll understand why people suffer, and maybe then I'll know why the trees turn colors. Maybe then.
Untill then I'll hope because that's all I can do. Hope, wish, love, live, and pray and convince myself someone hears me.

I'll end this with I miss him, still. And um I suppose something more "Christiney" (which yes, is a new word. Look for it in the newly published websters dictionaries. You'll find it convienient and often times just damn fun to use.) Something Something Something. Uh, Viva la Revolucion and such nonsense. Fight the power. Down with conformity and go out and throw a brick through the window of a government sanctioned building in the spirit of teenage anarchy, the institution which I refuse to belong to. Uh, and keep watching the sky. [insert clever wink and click of the tounge.]

Soft Landings,
-Christine.