when the clown gets serious, people listen.

Well my day has been a bundle of laziness. It was what I needed after my last depressing entry. Though my brain is still on super-annoying-analyzing mode, I got somewhat of a break today. I spent 80% of the day Pjammin' and watching ewan mchottie sing. The other 20% was spent in jeans and consuming different varieties of food. Rumbi fries, s'mores via stove-top, hot tea's, doughnuts, 1/4th of a toaster pastry, and most recently a redbull passion with nachos at TGIF.
Yeah, that's right, I'm officially the fattest, laziest person to roam the earth. Ever.

This long-distance thing is still tugging at the back of my mind. It sucks, MUG reader, it frikin' blows apples. Especially when attractive men come up to me, flirt, gives a phone number, smiles a not-Brad smile and walks away. That just it, no one is Braden. I feel like such a whiney idiot but I just miss him. It may have been the Gin-and-tonic my aunt indulged in at TGIF but she was obviously itchin' for a aunt-niece bonding moment. We talked about relationships, Braden, Mom, and like the norm my uncle occasionally chimed in with smart-ass remarks but always meaning well. It was nice to talk to her about him. She married my uncle when she was 19. I'll be 19 in a little over a month and it's wierd to think I could just get married. Especially when the odds of me being even in the same state with brad within the next 3-4 years is slim. It really makes me wonder (oh adam levine). I love him but I really don't know what to do. I guess I'll just see how things play out. I'm just really sick of my relationship being more depressing than happy.

Anyway, tomorrow is sunday I'm debating going to church. Which reminds me of my meeting thingy with Brother Poll on wednesday. Regretting it? Nah...not yet. Just nervous.

your just ten digits and a million miles away.

Alright I feel like crap. What type of crap? Oh it comes in many different varieties my friends.

Crap type 1: I'm coming down with a cold. I couldn't sleep last night partly because my brain wouldn't shut off and mostly because my body was apparently pissed at me for some god awful reason. I'm on many types of medication right now which may or may not result in my premature death. However, I do feel a little better than I did a couple hours ago. Well at least in the "sick" way. Not in the brain-not-shutting-off way.

Crap type 2: I'm tired of love songs. I'm tired of young couples. I'm tired of seeing young pregnant women. I'm tired of being away from him. There's not a damn thing I can do about it. And I'm just a whole jumbled mess of confusion. I love him but he feels the need to tell me everything, everything, everything. Which is great in every relationship except when he tells me about feelings he has for other people, how depressed he is, how he sucks at everything, etc... I just feel helpless. I can't be there for him, I obviously can't make him happy, no matter how many times I tell him he's great at what he does it will never be enough or so it feels. So I don't know what to do. I really don't. Besides I'm not up to standards with his family. Standards which can no doubt be met by someone prettier, smarter, and just in general better than me up there in Idaho. All I know right now is I'm confused, I miss him, and I can't shake away the painful feelings.

Crap type 3: I'm homesick. Yeah, I know... for the first time since I've moved here I miss Oregon. I miss my mother for screaming out loud, which is ridiculous all by itself. I miss my dad, my sister, my grandparents, my dorky little brother. We've all been through so much the past couple years. It just ripped our family apart in discusting ways but in some sick way I miss the dysfunction.

I don't know what's wrong with me today. It's definitely an "off day." The sun might be shining a little to brightly for my mood. I just feel like crawling into a ball and sleeping for a couple days till I feel better about life. Dammit, I don't want to be depressed anymore.

I made an appointment to talk to the professer that teaches the LDS doctrine class that I am currently attending. I'm a bit nervous, I'm not gunna lie. How am I suppose to sit in front of a poor unsuspecting man and tell him my life has been a rollercoaster of hell and heaven and I don't believe in anything as a result of the ride.

UGH. I'm sad.

Someday my son

LMAO
[it's funny because it's so damn true]

migrane the size of nantucket.

How big is nantucket? These are the questions we ask ourselves. Well however big it is I'm sure that the pain throbbing in my head is close to size.

It's the weather. Damn you sunshine, oh so emo of me. At least it's still a bit chilly outside. It also snowed on the very tops of the mountains in the east which explode my eyes into joy equivelant to that of a "photorgasm". Though I am way to lazy and pain striken to take pictures at the moment so it will have to wait.

As I depressingly predicted in last nights journal entry it was yet another busy monday. Which isn't over yet, though the remainder shall hopefully fly by. I procrastinated the hell out of getting up and going to work thus making me very unattractive. Did I care? Nah, not so much. Frumpy days are liberating. Unless attractive males walk by, in which case they are regrettable. Luckily I didn't really have the advantage of eye candy today, and I'm not terribly dissapointed. The only male who walked in alone was creepy and he kept frolicing through the lingerie. He had a wedding ring on but oddly enough the only thing that could cross my mind was the thought of him taking all the womens clothes in his hands home and dressing up, tucking back, and staring at himself in a mirror. Then I realized I had no idea why I had such creepy, fucked up thoughts. Boredom perhaps? My third thought was, oh lord I'm just sitting here with a stapler in my hand staring at this man... and my final thought would be, "What the hell was I going to staple?"

Well this really strange incident ended with the man asking me what lingerie I would purchase. Which isn't a comfortable question, not to me at least. I don't even know this man and I'm certainly not going to tell him whats underneath my clothes. "The light blue ones." Damn me and my awesome costumer service skills. This was all followed by ironically and gayily enough a Cher song spilling from the speakers, "Walking in Memphis" to be exact. Yes you guessed it, Mr. Creepy Lingerie Man started to jam. He sang it just like Cher. Creepily like Cher. Exactly like Cher. Which was enough for me to realize I don't get paid nearly enough to tell a creepy guy singing cher all to well that I would buy light blue lingerie.

It's all offical that I can die content. While at Dennys tonight I got seduced by one of those stuffed animal crane games that eat peoples quarters like flys on dung. Well I've tried unsuccessfuly for many of my years to win at the damn game but every single time the bastard defeats me. Tonight, however was different! I was talking to my uncle telling him if this isn't the time that I win I will give up gambling forever. Dramatically speaking. Well he was taunting me with his funny ways telling me which way the crane should fall for victory I faked a left and gracefully with breath held in, captured a purple stuffed elephant. Yeah I know... it was an awesome moment in my life. It tumbled down the shoot and now is boasting on my bed as a trophy. The only thing that could have made this moment better is a slow motion replay of my uncles face and my arm dramatically swinging in the air. It should be televised on ESPN for all to see.

See what strange sleeping hours and a saturday night at the vortex does to you? Also when I came home last night I ate some potatoes. Purple potatoes? Has there always been purple potatoes? When did this come to be and why did I not get the delicious memo? They were BANGIN'! Thought they did give me some really trippy dreams. I could not figure it out, I think it may be a potatoe-beat-cross. Anyway I'm not complaining they were tastey.

Moral of this story? Purple? A strange but lucky color. Also, I've decided my crush for the week is Ewan Mcgregor. Hubba Hubba.

i'll listen to sir logan.

World has gone totally crazy. Nuts. If it isn't obliterated within the next day, it still won't be the same world.

It's too late and I've been up to many odd hours for consciousness. And I am thirsty for something my house can't satiate.

But overall it's been a joyous weekend. I got to watch an asian in a chef hat throw shrimp in the mouths of those I love. That in itself is something to smile about. This weekend was a nice reminder that life won't always be an organized list. That I don't have to fear being a zombie, as my last blog obviously shows such fear. I will still have plenty of time to do spontaneous things like randomly going to stand next to the hugeness of the Great Salt Lake in the rain.

It rained most of the weekend. I wish I could give people feelings sometimes. I wish they could percieve what I do. Like today for example, it was rainy, dark, and beautiful. Peppermint hot chocolate has never tasted so good. I really thought I would miss Oregon a lot more than I do. Once I see this lit up city at night as rain falls unmercifully down I know that it was the right thing to move. I can't expect Klamath Falls to surprise me, not like this city. It's incredible.

Braden has been unnormal lately, and by "unnormal" I mean...completely weird. Beating himself up more than the usual and whiney. I'm aware that sometimes I can be insensitive towards him in these moods. However, if he doesn't tell me the roots of these problems all I can really do is assume. Which isn't very good. There are times I really do wonder if all of this is right. Plenty of people say you'd feel no doubt if it was right. I don't think it's doubt. I think it's more confusion and hopefulness that all of this is the right "thing." For sadly once in the past couple days tonight was alright talking to him. Though I think I talked to Logan and Jeff most of the time. Sometimes I think being completely stoned turns certain people into genius, because Logan knew what he was talking about. And as far as Braden and I go, I think I'll take his advice:

"Chrriiistine, dude...I love brad, he's like a saint...oh man i'm so fucked up right now...jarble...oops sorry i dropped the phone...are you there? ok. I love brad, marry him...he'll take care of you cause well, i have no idea where i am right now but i know it's okay because brads here...shiiit. He's a good guy...hahaha...you're a lucky grill i mean girl...haha grill...oh yeah...okay bye...wait no one more thing... if you break him heart i'm gunna be pissed he frikin loves you"

Well I think I'll take Logans advice. Well tomorrow is monday, to be exact in 46 minutes it will be monday. Back to the norm. Back to Zombisms. Back to playing mental hackisack with anyone's head who crosses my non-caffeinated-morning-path. Back to insanely missing him. I missed my family a lot today, at really random times that as far as I know had absolutely no relevance to what I did today. I find it funny I'm more depressed when the temperature outside exceeds 70 degrees, but not histerically. I'm happier when it rains. Which corrected me if I'm wrong, is also a Ben Harper song.

tangled in hotel sheets

I'm pretty sure I've gotten into the funk of living one day at a time hoping inside that god, or whomever in my case, desides to hurry and spin the world a little faster so these long days go by faster.

It seems like everyday this week has been the same day. Wake up, take a shower, eat something, go to work, come home, have dinner, veg out, go to sleep. Repeat. I kid you not... like every-single-day. I feel like a zombie.

The thing that scares me the most is that it's probably not going to change. Even as I grow older I will go to school, work, home. Then eventually just work and home. I really can't stand my life to be on a schedule like that and it frightens me that that is what life is all about. Growing up...getting a job...getting married...having kids...retirement...death. I feel that the days are dragging on but the moments go by way to fast.

It seems as though I will be really excited and look forward to things that aren't normal in my everyday routine and then they will happen and be done with and then back to the same ol' same ol'. Well Jesus, I HATE THE SAME OL' SAME OL'! I'm way to random and eccentric to be blue collar, to libral to be a high-up-there buisness person, to feminist to be a stay at home mom, and to high matinance to ever be a dirty hippy.

Where the hell do us weird, undecided people fit in? How can Christine Friedrich just have a normal dayjob and a damn minivan? No no no... I don't like that idea. I want to travel! I want to see the world! I want to be the genius/moderately insane artist who captures controversal pictures! I don't want to be famous, I don't really even want to be rich. I just want to be happy. I can't stand to picture myself growing into a "desperate housewife", sadistic mother, a boring family person who works 9-5 and walks a dog, or even worse...turn out like my family.

Okay, okay so I will admit sometimes I get maternal, and sometimes I jones to be married. I wouldn't mind having a dog to walk, a husband to kiss when he gets home for works, a few mini christine's pop out, and a white picket fence doesn't sound all that bad... but if that has to inevitably happen can it please happen soon? I swear 19 years old is the worst age. You're right in between the hell that is called high school, and the crazyness that is your early twenties. However, in between sucks ass.

I wish I could stop living day-to-day. I want the world to speed up. I want this whole nonesence to be over. I just want to be with him again. OKAY!! I SAID IT! JESUS CHRIST! YOU CAUGHT ME! It's itchin' the back of my mind everyday... it's secretly behind every damn word in this very blog entry. I love Brad. I miss him and I want to be with him. I'm really sick of this long-distance shit. I'm tired of only seeing him days at a time and talking to him via phone. His picture isn't the same, his voice sounds sad, and his shirt doesnt smell like him anymore :( (that was pathetic). There are no glistening tear shit in the world of christine, only mad-crazy wailings. I want to go back to the days where I sat next to him EVERYDAY, we jammed cello's together and everything was fine. I just... dammit...I love him. I love him. You capturing this MUG readers? I love brad and I miss him. WHINE WHINE WHINE. I just want something better to happen. I dont want to watch my young years go by working everyday, motivated by nothing else but little clicks' and caffiene. Waiting and wishing that night would come fast and morning would hurry up so I can be with him.

i miss him. alot.

[UGH.]

P.S. That was a really weird blog entry, I mean not the missing brad part because well that's damn obvious. But the whole spill about my life adding up to something...really...I have no idea where that shit came from, be it true.

Mahāyāna Buddhism

I'm stressed, tired and annoyed. Yeah it's monday.

Work was hellish, so was the DMV, I didn't sleep at all last night because of numeros weird dreams. I look unattractive and I have a horsey voice. Complain. Complain. Complain.

Really, I'm getting sick. Which isn't perfect timing. My outermediate family is INSANE, thank god I have my currentmediate family right now. I'm really glad my uncle is home. He's teaching me tons about buddhism lately. I feel it man. It's really a great thing. Speaking of such, I need to meditate and relieve some of this stress and then maybe I won't get as sick.

Though, I wish I was patient enough to be buddhist, but I'm not. I dunno if I will be in the near future, but then again... I'm way to nonconformist to ever actually join an organized religion. I'm way to damn stubborn, unless circumstances called for it.

Well... I'll go meditate now. Bye.

theres nothing you can do.

Have you ever heard the expression, "...and it was so beautiful it damn near broke your heart?"

Sometimes I feel that way. Okay honestly? I feel that way a lot. Like when I see a beautiful picture, or hear a song, or see a pretty moment. That feeling in my chest that strikes a muse. Where I want everyone I can get my hands on to percieve that moment just as i do. So they can feel that almost unbearable feeling that is in term really indescribable.

Like something is just so damn beautiful it literally breaks your heart.

But I can't give anyone my feelings, nor can anyone give me theirs. I cannot allow anyone but my being to see into my soul. So I guess those feelings have to be trapped in my mind and heart. At times they may be able to escape through writing, or even tears.

I'm just annoyed with creativity. I feel like perhaps I have thing artistic gift to see the world differently but I am limited in talent to express my feelings.

What a strange curse...

Oh Salt Lake, you never fail me.

Well this weekend was definitly one of the weirdest experiences of my entire existence of 18 years and 10 months.

It was a nice saturday night in the big city so Elyse and I decided it would be basically pimp shit to go clubbing. So we did. And this is a bit of a round up of such circumstances and what I learnt:


1. Mac Makeup is a must when you bump and grind for sweaty situations.
2. Area 51 is the SCARIEST club in Salt Lake City. Please spare yourself from seeing this hell of an emo freak show. I was in a fucking polo for crying out loud.
3. The valet parking boys at that one club on temple square are flattering, and kind of cute.
4. Club Vortex was one of the strangest, coolest, moviest experiences I have EVER HAD.
5. I like DAVE signs are heavy, but fun to steal from the avenues.
6. Wendys and East High School are a must for saturday nights. East High school...where THE High School Musical was filmed at. It was epic.


I literally woke up with a headache, messy hair, sore legs, makeup running, and a stamp that says SEXY on my hand. I call this new morning Club Hangover.

As far as testestrone, I have officially overdosed. I'm at a content level, minus the fact it's not coming from the person I would want it to come from. ie: braden.

Oh well. As Elyse might say, "I'm aimlessly walking around in circles looking for something, but I dont know what it is..."

As is my life yo, as-is-my-life.

well.

I think I figured somethings out.


Yeah. I think I did.

how can I believe in god when just yesterday I got my tounge caught in an electric typewriter?

Have I mention I'm depressed lately? Discustingly sad. I miss my grandfather, I'm tired of going back to Oregon. Work is stressful, my family has another damn thing wrong with it every single day and now my boyfriend is to busy hanging out with other girls to talk to me.

Joy to the fucking world.

I'd stop reading now unless you want to fully understand my depressed, angry, venting thoughts. If you keep reading, thanks you must really be a friend.

I want Jesus. I've prayed every single night. I'm trying really hard. I had a long talk with my aunt tonight. She is catholic and actually very devout. She believes in christianity and is probably one of the nicest people you will ever meet in your life, no exaggeration. Seriously she spews niceness. By knowing her now one would never guess she went through a 13 year struggle without any faith. She didnt believe anyone and she was pretty depressed. I don't know how she did it. I can't do this for 13 years. I might just shoot myself. Maybe I am looking to hard. But if I'm not looking I feel like a lazy, hypocritical oof. It seems I am always reading something about faith but the more christian literature I read the more confused I get.

I'm not okay with just the bible. I'm to logical for spirituality. And I want to punch myself in the damn face. I'm so frustrated.

I miss my boyfriend but its time like this when I just want to say, "fuck it." And just get rid of this whole distance crap.
I'm so confused, depressing, ramsackled, dismayed.

I'm going to go down some tylenol pm and forget I'm alive for the night.

In my heart is where you are

It's official. I'm going a little crazy. It was really weird waking up today. I feel like I should call out there and see how he's doing, but I already know.

Ahgjksdhgkjrgkertggg. That's what's on my mind right now. Jumble, jumble, jumble. I called my mother and she read his obituary to me. Ah I can't believe it actually happened. He cheated death for so long. I guess it's good, but not when I'm an agnostic I suppose. I need faith. I need jesus himself to alight upon my couch much like a fly might upon a marsbar. And I need him to say, "Christine stop being dumb, I'm real." Yeah, that would be perfect.

I need to write something for the funeral. Though my literary genius isn't exactly showing lately, quite obvious to the readers of MUG. (elyse). Sorry to dissapoint. Haha.

So I'm going back to Oregon on thursday. Which reminds me of a quote, "How can I miss you if you dont leave?" I'm not sure exactly who said it, but I get where they're coming from. How utterly, insanely depressing.

Something good could happen anytime now and I would be very happy. I don't think I'm being ignorant. I really think everything sucks at the moment. Well I drove by walmart the other day and there was a bum on the street.

It could be worse?

"I whistle at all the pretty girls"

warning: emo.

He's gone now.

And all I can do is listen to depressing classicalish music and indulge myself in a pumpkin spice latte. I still have not hugged a man in a week. I'm officially depressed and a little maternal.
My chest has that discustingly heavy pressure that makes it hard to take a deep breath. I think I'm literally dehydrated from crying to much. Regina Spektor was a bad choice.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother with a long-distance relationship. Why put myself through that kind of sadness? And in the end I know I say that only because I miss him. But I still question if all of this is worth it, because I'm never gunna be good enough for his family. No matter who I am, no matter if I'm nice or intelligent. Just because I'm not like them. I hate prejudice. I'm sorry I don't have faith. They have no idea how much it kills me too. Can't I just love him? Can't that be enough?

My family is crazy. I miss those crazy bastards though. I worry about them all, and now that's he's gone I don't know what will happen. All I know is back in the day the Cole/Friedrich klan must have done some pretty bad shit for all this karma.

I just want to crawl in a big hole.

Damnit.

it's undeniable, how brilliant you are.

I love spagetti out of the can. It's the only way man, it's the only way. Reminds me of the time I spent being a Nanny. Kids love their chef boy rd. I do miss those little ones but I am so glad those days are over. It made me seriously consider ever having children. Doesn't sound like a good idea. But I guess I'll learn that lesson one day, maybe twice.

Which reminds me of a whole-lotta things I've had to learn twice in life;

There's too much and too little.
That's a good metaphor for a lot of things, but I'll leave it to you to figure it out what they are.

Above all things, patience.
The best freedom is the ability to control your own life. That's something you don't achieve just once, but over and over again.

We are all pure potentiality.
The question is, for what?

I believe that all roads lead to the same place--and that is wherever all roads lead to.

If you don't own stock, you don't have to worry about how you're doing in the great Wall Street gamble.

No matter what you do: be truthful.

You know? Guy Clark probably had it all figured out when he wrote "Stuff that works." Sammy Alfred had it all figured out when he declared a five-dollar whining fee, and Ray Benson had it ALL figured out--I mean the whole shebang--but then he realized he was just stoned.

Farmers work the hardest, waitresses are second. Hookers get an honorable mention.
I'm not a farmer, a waitress, or a hooker but I like myself better when I'm working hard and writing regularly.

I'm not a doctor but it's not hard to see that one of the cheif causes of high blood pressure in todays society is worrying about the possibility of having high blood pressure.

Funny is all around us, but you have to let it in.
Laughing gets the silly out.

Crying is okay.
Crying gets the sad out.

Advice is a funny thing because no matter what you seek you know your just going to end up doing what you want.
So take my advice...do what you want.

And finally my last lesson learnt today, particularly at work is: if you want to find something: stop looking. If you already found it: stop looking. If you forgot what you are looking for: stop looking.
But If a hot guy walks by, look.

Picture now:

and I probably miss you more than I should

We now interupt this regularly scheduled program of "Musings of Undiscovered Genius" or MUG if you will for an important message:

I miss men.

There! I said it! But to better understand this message I will further explain my ordeal. Usually I have a man in my life, not just a significant other, just a man. For example I lived with my father for 18 years, My bestfriend in the whole world is a man, My grandfather helped raise me, I have an amazing boyfriend, and I currently live with my uncle.

However, My uncle is in Klamath Falls where my grandfather, said bestfriend and father live. And my darling, amazing, wonderful boyfriend currently resides in Idaho. I work with umpteenmillion girls, my boss is a girl, my best-utah friend is a girl, I am at home with my aunt and girl cousin, not that I don't adore each one of them but really I miss boy.

There is way to much estrogen in the air. I need some nice, thick testosterone or I might go a bit insane. Voice's aren't cutting it. I need a man-hug.

Alright, now that this really weird blog entry is complete I will now leave you alone to you're regularly scheduled program. I'm going to bed now. Buenas noches.

Please enjoy this weird picture:

the tao of pirates

So things have been incredibly hectic lately. I have two part time jobs, education, and family to worry about. In the midst of it all I have reacted as the norm Christine would; first whine, second cry a bit, third get pissed, and fourth (and my personal favorite) denial aka "hakuna matata."

I've been secretly dwelling the whole idea of doing things the "right" way. I guess to accomplish that I must do what will lead me to the "right" things. Something in me believes that if I do things according to the sense of the right, it'll work out to everyone's advantage. If I do things that try to make the sense of wrong, all kinds of bad shit can result. For starters I could get myself killed or seriously and emotionally damage my future-both very negative incentives that should keep me from screwing up to badly.

Therefor I suppose it is quite obvious I value life. The life I value is one that is connected to all things. The secret to happiness lies in finding those connections. We are roads and rivers, we are paintboxes full of color but are only learning how to use them. We are never as strong as we feel nor as smart as we think. Most of us have to high opinion of ourselves anyway.

This is where my religion quest continues. Tonight in LDS class I learnt from a very smart, though very confusing, man that we should never ignore feelings that may seem irrelivant or even annoying at times. Like for instance, deja vu. We've all felt it right? That tingly sensation that naggs us for a moment in time thats almost scary, the "Whoa.. I've soo been here before, doing this exact thing." moment. Even though we know it is just simply impossible. Well what this man told us is that by opening our hearts in a way we can define deja vu in a more spiritual sense. That God has preordained a plan for us and he's every once in a while letting us know that we are on the right path. That years and years before we were conceived that, that simple moment would indeed happen. Deja vu would somehow let us know, "wow...i'm suppose to be here."

So what is the moral? Open your heart. And let me inform you; Christine Friedrich saying that is like (I apologize in advance for my one-sided view) George Bush saying War is Wrong. Discustingly hypocritical. I realize I am not one to advice anyone. But I do believe if we can open our hearts than we can grow intellectually. With an open heart you will taste the goodness of every crumb, feel the proudness of every winning goal, and feel the pain of every mother who looses her son in war, either from our country of the country they call our enemy. With an open heart we will feel the grace in every falling leaf and taste the life in every drop of rain. The trick is not to be afraid of the beauty or the rain so we can better open our hearts without the fear they will be crushed.

There comes a time in each of our lives when we have the opportunity to reach out and turn the switch that will change darkness to light. All we have to do is slow down, remember who we are and who we would like to be. All we have to do is make those connections to our fellow man and to the world around us. Then we have to reach out and turn on that switch. I can't tell you where the switch is or where you might be able to find it. As I am still in search for mine. I can't guarantee that it will work the first or the second or even the third time that you try it. I just know it's there, waiting for you.

I'm just Christine. I'm not a martyr or a heroine. You would not regonize me if we simply passed each other on the street, nor will anyone publish my thoughts long after I die. I don't know as much as I could, but I do know that if you've come this far with me, then you are my friend.

And I hope that each of us finds our way.

visiting a place called home.

Well here I am. Home. What a silly word; home. How exactly does one define it? A place where your family resides? An actual building? A town or city? My definition of Home is Layton, Utah at the moment. For 18 years it was among beautiful, tall, evergreens in Klamath Falls, Oregon. However I noticed that as I drove back into the city from my visit in Oregon the only thought that passed my mind was, "Thank god, I'm almost home."

Many people say dying is a part of living. Though very wise, those people must have been hiding a certain hurt behind a mask of philosophy. It's easy to say words, it's hard to say feelings. I said goodbye to a man that helped me grow up. That was there when I was born, who taught me how to drive a truck, who gave me my addiction to coffee, who helped me build and paint birdhouses, who gave me rough hugs, and cried when he couldn't come to my graduation because he was to sick. And it's hard. And next time I drive out to Bonanza, nothing will be the same without him. I'll never see him again. Only in pictures, in memories, and in my mothers face sometimes. I don't know why it's taken so rough, he's been dying for years. It's just the hurt when the moment comes, I suppose. I feel so angry at myself for not believing in god. How can I not believe when someone i love is gone? There has to be more than all of this. He has to be looking down...right?

And I can try to pray, but it feels fake. So for now I'll just hope my Grandfather is the one listening.

So here I am going about my life when so much of it has changed over one damn weekend. I know it will get better over time. I just feel really depressed and lonely I guess.

I miss Braden. So much, it was almost harder seeing him leave this time than last time. Being around him, being able to touch him and kiss him is just another reminder of how amazing he is and how inevitably he will always leave. I hate distance, I hate change. I love him. And I wish I were accepted more within his family. I can't help who I am... I like who I am, I don't want to change for anyone else. I dont think I should. I just wish it were like those silly underdog-type movies where in the end the good is sought through the differences of people and the little guy prevails. However this is real life. Fuck.

I just want something to go right. I wouldn't be me if I changed from this. And I don't want to measure life from the tears that drip from my face. I want to measure it by the laughter on my lips. However that seems rare these days. I need sleep and a hug.