your just ten digits and a million miles away.

Alright I feel like crap. What type of crap? Oh it comes in many different varieties my friends.

Crap type 1: I'm coming down with a cold. I couldn't sleep last night partly because my brain wouldn't shut off and mostly because my body was apparently pissed at me for some god awful reason. I'm on many types of medication right now which may or may not result in my premature death. However, I do feel a little better than I did a couple hours ago. Well at least in the "sick" way. Not in the brain-not-shutting-off way.

Crap type 2: I'm tired of love songs. I'm tired of young couples. I'm tired of seeing young pregnant women. I'm tired of being away from him. There's not a damn thing I can do about it. And I'm just a whole jumbled mess of confusion. I love him but he feels the need to tell me everything, everything, everything. Which is great in every relationship except when he tells me about feelings he has for other people, how depressed he is, how he sucks at everything, etc... I just feel helpless. I can't be there for him, I obviously can't make him happy, no matter how many times I tell him he's great at what he does it will never be enough or so it feels. So I don't know what to do. I really don't. Besides I'm not up to standards with his family. Standards which can no doubt be met by someone prettier, smarter, and just in general better than me up there in Idaho. All I know right now is I'm confused, I miss him, and I can't shake away the painful feelings.

Crap type 3: I'm homesick. Yeah, I know... for the first time since I've moved here I miss Oregon. I miss my mother for screaming out loud, which is ridiculous all by itself. I miss my dad, my sister, my grandparents, my dorky little brother. We've all been through so much the past couple years. It just ripped our family apart in discusting ways but in some sick way I miss the dysfunction.

I don't know what's wrong with me today. It's definitely an "off day." The sun might be shining a little to brightly for my mood. I just feel like crawling into a ball and sleeping for a couple days till I feel better about life. Dammit, I don't want to be depressed anymore.

I made an appointment to talk to the professer that teaches the LDS doctrine class that I am currently attending. I'm a bit nervous, I'm not gunna lie. How am I suppose to sit in front of a poor unsuspecting man and tell him my life has been a rollercoaster of hell and heaven and I don't believe in anything as a result of the ride.

UGH. I'm sad.