how can I believe in god when just yesterday I got my tounge caught in an electric typewriter?

Have I mention I'm depressed lately? Discustingly sad. I miss my grandfather, I'm tired of going back to Oregon. Work is stressful, my family has another damn thing wrong with it every single day and now my boyfriend is to busy hanging out with other girls to talk to me.

Joy to the fucking world.

I'd stop reading now unless you want to fully understand my depressed, angry, venting thoughts. If you keep reading, thanks you must really be a friend.

I want Jesus. I've prayed every single night. I'm trying really hard. I had a long talk with my aunt tonight. She is catholic and actually very devout. She believes in christianity and is probably one of the nicest people you will ever meet in your life, no exaggeration. Seriously she spews niceness. By knowing her now one would never guess she went through a 13 year struggle without any faith. She didnt believe anyone and she was pretty depressed. I don't know how she did it. I can't do this for 13 years. I might just shoot myself. Maybe I am looking to hard. But if I'm not looking I feel like a lazy, hypocritical oof. It seems I am always reading something about faith but the more christian literature I read the more confused I get.

I'm not okay with just the bible. I'm to logical for spirituality. And I want to punch myself in the damn face. I'm so frustrated.

I miss my boyfriend but its time like this when I just want to say, "fuck it." And just get rid of this whole distance crap.
I'm so confused, depressing, ramsackled, dismayed.

I'm going to go down some tylenol pm and forget I'm alive for the night.