visiting a place called home.

Well here I am. Home. What a silly word; home. How exactly does one define it? A place where your family resides? An actual building? A town or city? My definition of Home is Layton, Utah at the moment. For 18 years it was among beautiful, tall, evergreens in Klamath Falls, Oregon. However I noticed that as I drove back into the city from my visit in Oregon the only thought that passed my mind was, "Thank god, I'm almost home."

Many people say dying is a part of living. Though very wise, those people must have been hiding a certain hurt behind a mask of philosophy. It's easy to say words, it's hard to say feelings. I said goodbye to a man that helped me grow up. That was there when I was born, who taught me how to drive a truck, who gave me my addiction to coffee, who helped me build and paint birdhouses, who gave me rough hugs, and cried when he couldn't come to my graduation because he was to sick. And it's hard. And next time I drive out to Bonanza, nothing will be the same without him. I'll never see him again. Only in pictures, in memories, and in my mothers face sometimes. I don't know why it's taken so rough, he's been dying for years. It's just the hurt when the moment comes, I suppose. I feel so angry at myself for not believing in god. How can I not believe when someone i love is gone? There has to be more than all of this. He has to be looking down...right?

And I can try to pray, but it feels fake. So for now I'll just hope my Grandfather is the one listening.

So here I am going about my life when so much of it has changed over one damn weekend. I know it will get better over time. I just feel really depressed and lonely I guess.

I miss Braden. So much, it was almost harder seeing him leave this time than last time. Being around him, being able to touch him and kiss him is just another reminder of how amazing he is and how inevitably he will always leave. I hate distance, I hate change. I love him. And I wish I were accepted more within his family. I can't help who I am... I like who I am, I don't want to change for anyone else. I dont think I should. I just wish it were like those silly underdog-type movies where in the end the good is sought through the differences of people and the little guy prevails. However this is real life. Fuck.

I just want something to go right. I wouldn't be me if I changed from this. And I don't want to measure life from the tears that drip from my face. I want to measure it by the laughter on my lips. However that seems rare these days. I need sleep and a hug.