self cleaing potatos

Lesli gave us simple instructions...she said please turn on the broiler at 6:20 so we can all eat when they get home from evening mass.
So Mark and I set an alarm so we won't forget and continue to watch the Alabama Colorado bowl.
As directed we get up and together push the broiler button so the potatoes will be golden and beautiful when they get home.
20 minutes later a strange aroma fills the house and the oven will not open.
Instead of "Top Broiler" we pressed, and by WE I mean HE pushed "Self Clean."

So now the potatoes and ribs are ruined...the oven won't open...there is a stench in our house and in 30 minutes we are going to have one mad Lesli on our hands.


Oops.

Chili's anyone?

dogs don't purr

So I made a promise to myself just now that I will not bitch about my jobs in this entry. This is all part of my realization that a new year is upon us. Knocking on our doors, peeking in our windows, annoyingly ringing the doorbell to the beat of funky town. So I find it only necessary to think of some personal resolutions, but not just any resolutions...not like last years, or even the year before that. Resolutions that actually mean something. As you can probably tell already I have been racking my brain with perspectives.

I decided a good step to take before making a commitment in 2008 is to take a glance into 2007 and see what made me irritated, sad, depressed, uncomfortable and base my resolutions on them. I came up with...

1. mixed emotions about moving to utah
2. jesus
3. brad
4. mom
5. work
6. school.
7. humanity

Those were the top 7 at least. So I am not completely down with the process of formal resolutions but they are going to be something to the tune of...

1. weigh the pro's and con's of Utah. (mostly the pro's to be optomistically driven) Realize Oregon will never cease to exsist, but someday I will. So live my little life to the fullest and don't limit myself to one place, even Utah.
2. be more openminded. Listen to my thought process instead of analyzing. Try to feel faith instead of expect a package on my doorstep with a return address of Jesus.
3. don't base this relationship on what ifs, if he's the one, he's the one. Whatever happens will happen.
4. mom , call her more. Let her know that even though I moved 700 miles away that I still love her and think of her everyday despite the trials we have faced together in our lives, I would never just desert her.
5. work, have a postive outlook on work. I'm a hypocritical critic when it comes to employment and negativity. Stop whining and smile more.
6. school, even with the negatives about this subject that has recently been broughten up realize I have my entire life ahead of me. Even if it takes longer than expected, school will treat me well, and one day I will be out of college and with a family.
7. try to make that percentage in lack-of-faith-in-humanity grow lower and lower. Random acts of kindess, even though they are not appreciated are worth the effort. Pray for people and wish them the best in life even if they are my worst enemy.

Something like that.

screw my life

Alright. Life sucks.

Shall we make a damn chart? Bad news first?

Negatives:
-Brad's gone to oregon for many months.
-I crashed my damn car.
-said damn car is being stupid.
-for the last 3 days I have worked 13 hours everyday.
-I'm not done christmas shopping.

So Brad left today for who knows how long. I miss him, I love him, and I feel an insane urge of depression kicking in for him not being here. My car and a miada collided via ice and hill. For the past couple days I have worked 13 hours A DAY. Everyday...13 damn hours. Which has resulted in me being exhausted, in serious pain, and grumpy as hell. I seriously hate people and have lost all patience with the world. My lack of faith in humanity as risen to an all time high of 95.6%. I still have shopping to do but everytime I go into the store I go through a fit of clausterphobia. I know I'm not smiling so people are afraid to talk to me. And obviously through out this week it built up in my system because today during my 10 minute break at anchorblue, after having an emotional conversation with my mother, I had a frikin mental breakdown. Scared the hell out of my boss, I know that much. She was supportive though, even though I didn't want or really even need support. Which brings me to the point of actually missing oregon. I miss my dad so damn much. I think about him all the time yet I can't even bring myself to face the facts. Because this always happens, he had such a miserable life. Yes, it sucks shit happened. Being completely helpless is the worse feeling in the world. Especially when it comes to taking care of someone you care about. The conversation today was full of misery on steroids. I miss my dad and i worry about my mom. So I ended up calling my sister and throwing everything at her face in which I had boxted up. Brad, Utah, Oregon, Work, School, Dad, Mom, Her. And after a half our of sobbing I finally felt a little better. I love my sister.

On a bit of an upside (and I say that lightly at the moment because my cynisism is much to high to be happy.) I recieved a promise ring from Braden. Which is getting me through my day. But everytime I look down at it I'm reminded of how he isn't here...and it's so iffy what might happen to us right now. And it kills...so that's a mixture of emotion. Though it is the most beautiful, most meaningful thing I think I own.

Well I still have 5 more hours to work, and I have to go get ready.




I think I'll go find a god to pray to.

a thousand words

"I read once that the ancient Egyptians
had fifty words for sand
& the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow.
I wish I had a thousand words for love,
but all that comes to mind is the way
you move against me while you sleep
& there are no words for that."
- Brian Andreas

So the past couples of days have been busy, strange, and wonderous.

The only thing I can really remember about Saturday, besides working my arse off, and hanging out with E and Dark, would be that night. I had the strangest dream. I was at a wedding reception at my old high school. Except KU was green and was shaped like an arabian castle...like Aladdin. It was weird. And I was in this huge, poofy, red dress. Half way through I figured out it was my wedding reception, except I couldn't find the groom anywhere. (Symbolic?) I could here is voice but couldn't find him. The voice was recognized though. Anyway, all my old friends from high school were there. And most of them told me they were pregnant.
It was really out there.

Sunday I only had to work four hours so for the rest of the day I did christmas shopping, eating, and going out with the fam to see the lights out at Willard. It was pretty.
I still don't like christmas.

md's line

Okay it's official. I'm going to die. I will miss you all very terribly.

I blame Christmas and Anaheim. Bastards. So I'm working around 65 hours this week. I have no time to Christmas shop (damn my procrastination). Braden is coming down and I will hardly get to see the love of my life. I feel like I don't have time to sit down with my family aaand I've had it about up to here with gift wrapping denim.

Seriously the only thing that got me through this entire day was an irish frap, and bayer asprin. Also, scream therapy into a steering wheel.

I have to put Cynical Christine away for just one minute though. I did have a nice lunch break from Anchorblue. Which consisted of discusting food court goodies. While in Mcdonalds line in search of a McSnaker I had a conversation with Santa Clause. Yup, never saw that one coming in my life. The jolly man happened to be taking his lunch break from down stairs lap-sitting the same time I was taking mine. We had a nice chat about the holidays. He said it was rewarding and asked if anchorblue was busy when he noticed my name tag. He smiled a lot and said his family from Conneticut was coming down when I told him much of mine lived in Oregon. I was glad to find out that even far from childs eyes and ears he still had Christmas spirit. And everytime a kid would walk by in complete awe he would break from our conversation to bend down and tell them to be good. It, in so many damn ways, made me feel like a complete bitch, but really warm and snuzzly inside at the exact same time. Even though I know the man must be some retired electrician or something of the sort, it was kind of like my own personal connection with "Santa." It was funny because the whole time I called him Santa and it didn't phase me. Before he left he handed me a candy cane and told me to have a good day.


He ordered a double-bacon cheesburger with a large pepsi.

when you dream, dream big, because it may come true.

Ah these bittersweet, melancholy feelings are a common theme with me lately.
But, I don't mind it.
So lets not stop the train yet.

Isn't Deja vu a strange feeling? I keep having the same one today. About a year ago when my father was in the hospital I was sitting in a round window on the ICU waiting room wishing the world would stop. As if to fit my dismal mood it was even raining at the time. I remember this man kept paseing the room. I didn't really make anything of it, didn't really give a shit who he was or why he was there. I assumed he could care less about me either. I don't know how long I sat with my head on the window, nor do I remember how many tears I cried or if I was even to exhausted to cry. I do remember, however, the man walked up to me and glanced at me for a few awkward seconds before saying, "God's crying." In a surprisingly blunt tone, not meaningful...not really even spiritual, almost like anger. And he went back to his paseing.

I wonder how that man is now. I hope he is okay.

I had a conversation with a man today. This burly, seemingly unsensitive man. It made me wonder if I come across as a wandering soul. I guess everyone is when they are 19. Trying to find your place in the world. Also makes me wonder if he somehow understands and went through similiar things when he was younger. Either way it was meaningful and appreciated. It made me think.

Maybe I need to start random acts of kindness.

I seriously don't know what was with yesterday. Maybe I was stoned on Claritin-D, or maybe it was Journey's "Don't stop believing" blaring much to loudly on my car stereo. I just felt good, and as soon as the day starting slipping downward I got slipped a message. Little things are to often taken for granted.

I think my faith in the human race has raised a tiny bit more. At least for now I'll put cynical christine on the back burner.

Cheers.

rain rain rain

It has been raining for two days straight now. I seriously don't think it has stopped once. Practically all the snow has melted. Which is kind of sad, but only kind of.

Okay so here's a funny story: 18 days till Christmas. Ha. When the hell did that happen? I'm to lazy to shop. I've gotten some friends' stuff, my little brother's gifts, and half my sister's present. I still have half a family to do. Arg. I work in a mall, therefor I hate going to malls. Not to mention the recent Omaha shooting. Some psycho takes down 8 people before himself in a mall. See what the holidays does to people? I've decided we at anchorblue should take precautions, should, you know be prepared if anything happens to us at the mall. Like maybe practice taking a bullet for our friend Christine here. Anyway, the point is I have to shop. I guess I'll do that when I have a day off, oh wait...that's never. Merry Christmas.

So I got called into work for a whopping hour because the roof was leaking and utter madness was insuing around the mall. Which would have been bad if it wasn't for my fellow work assosiate. I love him. He made my day cheery. So got off, went through panda express to get some pot-stickers, stopped by MacCools to chat with boss man, and here I am at home. All alone, listening to the musical stylings of Bonnie McKee. With my yummy pot-stickers came a deeeelectable fortune cookie. Which says...

"You will find happiness in mind and heart"

I'm at the point in my life where I take fortune cookies more serious then they should ever be taken. Hopefully this one is right.

I really just want the holidays to be over. They are stressing me out and depressing me. I'm in day two of my left eye-lid twitching. Which, by the way, is freakin me out. They are making me lonely. They are making me grumpy, and they are making me sad.

I need some coffee.

merry effing christmas

So it's 9:00 pm here in Utah. For once I'm not blogging nonsense at an ungodly hour. I'm blogging nonsense at a godly hour. Yay for me.

So today was an interesting day. I had a day off. Hooray for me! It was unexpected and amazing. I decided that I would be productive, however, and help my dear uncle hang christmas lights on the outside of the house.

Firsty, nothing about hanging christmas lights in simple. Secondly, who the hell thought of this shit? "Oh it's Christ's birth! Our houses should glow! There shall be light up reindeer and a decorative wreath!" I'm sure the lights have some kind of symbolic meaning that I just ruined in some way. So we began to put up the decor having previously tested to see if it all indeed would light up and make our culvisack merry. Well folks, previously tested don't mean shit.
As soon as we had everything up and running, of course OF COURSE, as soon as the lights began to twinkle and shine, but of freakin course half of the garage is the universe's black hole. Nothing, not even a shimmer.

My uncle, being the buddhist, enviormentally friendly, al gore-loving man he is refused to put up last years lights because they were not LED and would ultimately result in the explosion of our ozone layer. So naturally to save mankind we headed to Home Depot to rescue the planet. No luck. No 31.5 ft of multi-color LED 2 inch bulbs anywhere.
Walmart? Uh huh.
Lowes? Negative.
Rite aid? Nope (but there was a hillarious dancing Hillary Clinton doll that sang "My country tis of thee" that entertained us for 3 glorious minutes.)
Target? Nunka.

Soo this resulted in us going home, reluctantly switching to last years design, and figuring out that to, did not work. We tried of course switching bulbs which resulted in me actually getting slightly electrocuted. Yah that's right. I got zapped. My uncle intelligently told me to unplug it. Haha which indeed worked. However despite my best efforts and all the pain I put into changing bulbs the string of lights still refused to twinkle.

Back to Target. Where we bought 31.5 multi-color 2 inch bulbs. Sorry Al Gore, we failed you. But damn does our house look good.

It was the first day of Advent today. Which in catholic world means a purple candle, a prayer, a nice dinner and wine. Yay jesus.

For todays events I have decided this day as well calls for a shit and hit list.

Shit List:
Target
Lowes
Home Depot
Walmart
Getting electrocuted.
Light up deer (they scare me.)
Christmas lights.
Cold hands.
The world "Culvisack" (I doubt that's even spelled correctly.)


Hit list:
Jesus.
Asians in suits.
Rite Aid (oh hillary).
Wine.
Food.
Company.

Insomnia once more

It is yet again 3ish in the morning and I cannot sleep.

I had the strangest dream about my parents. Unsettleing...and sad. Which led me to not wanting to go back to sleep. Thus here I am. Spewing my thoughts via blogger and watching an old basketball game.

There is a number of things running around in my little mind. Good and bad I suppose.

But only one really stands out right now...

If your to busy, just let me know. I'll stop waiting for you to call and expecting you to be there for me.

And I think we'll both be fine.

:(

hello december

"The greatest snow on earth" as Utah has boasted upon their nifty "ski utah" license plates, has finally arrived! Bringing along with it a plastic tree in my living room. Decked out with 3 different strands of lights, more red bulbs than any other color and a star that is missing it's 4:00 twinkle. As much as my stubborn self hates to admit it the decor that has recently been vomited around my house by my bubbly aunt and hillarious uncle has made Christmas a tiny bit easier to bare. As corny as stocking hung over a burning fireplace is, it makes me feel happier. Which isn't all that bad.
Work is going a bit better. Being the new girl always sucks but at least the people are inviting. I think I will enjoy it in the long run. I am, however, completely exahausted. I have not had an actual day off in a while and I don't see one coming up any time in the near future between the two jobs. As a result caffeine in-take has risen significantly, and does not look like it will fall anytime soon. At least I can make one damn good cup of coffee. If all else fails in my life at least that would suffice has a eulogy.
Also, my lack of faith in the human race has fallen to a 70% which is a 10% decrease then what it was before. That's a good thing. Must be the holidays.
Parking ticket guy totally made my day, which would have resulted in a more significant decrease but then the you-scan bitch at Smiths ruined that one for the team. Whore.
Interesting story, I called my mother today I sarcastically spewed out something about dirty laundry and oregon. Which she took incredibly to literally followed by her actually geniunly asking if I was happy in life. Followed by an awkward silence I said, "Yeah mom...I think I am."
It was just so unlike my mother to show some concern. Sure she may feel it but showing her emotions and feeling them are two completely different things to Belinda. I think for the first time in 2 years I felt a motherly feeling from my actual mother. I don't really know of anyone else who would actually tear up because her mom asked her if she was happy, but maybe that's what I needed, and have needed. I know she cares, I'm just proud she can finally show it without hating herself.



I have decided to update my shit and hit lists. I haven't done them in a while so...enjoy:

Shit list:
Christmas
Snow when I'm outside.
Smiths you-scan bitch.
Being the newbie.
Birth-control conversations.

Hit list:
Snow when I'm inside.
Parking ticket man.
Coffee.
Stocking's hung by the chimney with care.
The Hot light.
The smell of Oxy-clean.
Jess the cat. (which is weird)

insomnia

i can't sleep.

bahumbug

I think I've figured out what the majority of my malfunctions are circling around latley.

Bloody Christmas.

I usually don't mind it. It's not my favorite holiday. I've never really hated it. This year, however, the holly season is driving me insane. It could be the result of working in a mall. To many people. To much tinsle. To many "happy holidays" and "ho ho ho's". Not to mention a jolly fat man in the food court with children on his lap and sappy never-ending christmas songs vomiting from every speaker in hearing distance.

I've gift wrapped way to many pairs of jeans and it's not even december. This has to be the first year that am actually disliking Christmas. It's getting annoying. I've found myself to be quite the grinch. I think it's because it's my first Christmas out of Oregon and I'm not used to that idea yet. Or it could be my increase of 80% lack of faith in the human race. Or maybe my lack of faith in general. Why celebrate a religious holiday without religion? Ah who am I kidding. Christmas hasn't been about Christ in years. Cynical, sad, irritating but very true.

I need something to lift my spirits. Anything? Anyone? Brad is back in Idaho. I really don't know when the next is that I will see him. He is going back to Oregon in 3 weeks and he is staying there. His terms are done. And I'll be 700 miles and a damn time zone away. Whoopy.

I feel weird lately. Like a bad friend, which makes me even more grumpy. But it seems like everyone I used to be close with just gets mad at me. I don't mean to hurt anyone... I'm human just like everyone else. I'm not mad at anyone but myself really, and I really don't have a reason to be. I'm trying to get along with myself lately. Kind of accept myself for who I am. Which isn't exactly working I guess because I just find more things not to like about me. It shocks me that many people would like a girl like me. And it makes me not blame the people who don't really care for my company anymore. I don't know if that makes much sense. I guess it doesnt have too since it's my blog. I'm just thankful for the friends and family I do have, and I really miss them because it seems like I've been off in my own little world working and trying to get stuff taken care of, and of course thinking to many "what ifs." God I annoy the hell out of myself sometime. I really don't know how to change it. I just feel like such a dull, cynical, grumpy person. But I don't want to be fake to anyone, and I should make myself happy first. But seriously...how do I do that?

I seriously need some egg nog with scotch, and I nice alcoholic cry. Help?

Did I mention I hate the holidays.

confusion

I've been thinking way to much about finding light, as usual. I think I might have found it, but I want to be completely sure.

How do I do that?

Cause this shit is not about pants and this shit is not about shirts and this shit is definitely not about hair. this shit is about having a good fucking time. maybe music isn't dead, maybe we all just forgot what it fucking sounded like.

That quote applies quite strangely in many different ways to me at the present time. It's more personal than anything and it doesnt really have anything to do much with music, but more with life in general. Maybe I'm just forgetting what is fucking sounds like.

700 miles is to far. That town is to fucking far...I've lived in Utah for about half a year now and I feel like that Klamath in haunting me. I think God, if he's up there, is telling me something.

It's time to cut the cord.

...all the cords.

when in rome

On behalf of my crazy self that actually published that last blog entry, I would like to apologize. I was and in fact am still having a rough time. To be completely honest I still feel tonight how I felt when I wrote that. I'm not proud of it, but I can also not ignore it. That's the reality. Bad day's suck. It really hurts when you don't feel good enough for much, and you really don't have anywhere to turn.

Which brings me to my next point; I hate circles. To repetitive. Never surprising. Same ol' same ol' with those circles. Now an octagon... an octagon I can live with.

When I was five years old I wanted to be an astronomer. You should feel lucky, reader. Not many people know that fact about me. My father bought me a toy telescope. I thought with that plastic tube on a stand I could see the universe. In all it's enormity. I thought I could see the eye of jupiter and the rings of saturn as if it were hair in my eyes.

14 years later I, Christine Friedrich. Chris. Grew up. And no one handed me a towel.

Getting older, wow. It's a limit, a wall, some kind of fence. Intangible proof that caution can still exist. It should still exist. But maybe you are like me, you aren't like me. Growing up to you can mean opposite things. Limitless. Liberation. Freedom. The never-ending cotton candy sky has never looked so invitingly sweet.

So, we'll exsist. Within boundaries, borders, limits and lines. We'll breathe as we always have. We'll write as we always will. We'll love just a little bit more. We'll take just a little bit less. But, the cotton-candy sky will not change for me. For us. For them. And to me...
That is beautiful.

I wish change didn't ache. I wish it didn't pull the wrong strings. I wish it wouldn't take away the many things it inevitably will. I wish it would bring with it, happiness, fortune, love... one day it will. Not for a 19 year old. We aren't that lucky in the "best days of our lives." If these are the best days why do I miss looking through a plastic tube at a distant star and being do damn ignorant I didn't know war or killing, all I really knew was that star. Why do I miss walking through the halls holding hands in an immature relationship. When did marriage and family and a career all of a sudden turn into close goals? When did our relationship turn into saying goodnight to an answering machine. When was this out of our hands? And why does change hurt so bad?

When did I start caring who made the earth and the trees? When was I first introduced to a higher power? When did I stop believing? When did praying start to seem ridiculous and useless? When I kept losing people. When I got so damn sad the only relief was vodka. When no matter how much I tried nothing was good enough. I wasn't good enough. I'm not good enough. I'm still waiting for those prayers. Where are you? You've given me things I don't deserve. Half a wonderful family, an amazing boy, opportunites. But you'll never give me my dad back, my mom...you'll never make my sister smile like she used to, and you won't make my grandmother stop doubting. I don't understand your ways, I don't know if you there. I'm confused. Even if you were I wouldn't deserve even you.

life handbook

I'm under a little to much stress lately, mostly because I'm an idiot. I need to figure things out. I know I sound really cynical but I don't really care right now. I really need God, I'm really getting into the funk of really not being okay. The only person I actually want to talk to right now is in Idaho. In reality I'm not even good enough for him. I'm not what is expected of me and I never will be and I love him so much. And I'm sorry if this isn't understood but I'm really not okay but there are no blessing's for Christine. She's not good enough for them and how selfish it is of me to ask God for help. If I'm not going to pray when the sunshines I don't deserve to when it rains. If I could physically kick myself in the head I would. Hard.

enormity

I'm getting sick. It's traumatic. But don't fear yet, I will be well soon and whenever that is I hope that, which is my literary tree will provide bountiful fruit.

I'm really tired of living in limbo age. The gap between being a twenty-something and being the sweet, naive teenager who thinks she has the world figured out.

I'm not exactly sure if this is a depression I feel myself falling into or if it is a side effect of illness. Either way my brain is working overtime thinking about the misery of life and reviewing years gone by. I think everyonce in a while I go through this period of desolation. I'm quite bored of it, really.

I've also been around a lot of stupid people. Not people close to me. People I pass on the streets going about their everyday lives. Coming in and out of my workplaces. And since this has happened I have been thinking about the fine line between genius and insanity. Also the differences of a stupid person thinking the world is great and beautiful, and a very intellectual, educated person realizes this world is on a downfall. That all of us are slowly wasting away, killing our planet and each other.

So my question to you is, would you rather be ignorant and happy or intelligent and miserable?

I really don't know how to answer that for myself. I'm not the smartest nor the dumbest. I'm centered, but the enormity of the world and what is happening depresses me enough to consider ending my relationship with non-ficton books.

when we first met

I've been dissapointed in my blogs lately, and the sad fact of that is it's because I'm happy. I've discovered my muse seems to be sadness and rainy days. This makes me a bit worried because journalism and creative writing as a major in college and excessive writers block does not make for a happy couple. I wish I could express more happy feelings through my writings. Maybe I just haven't found that certain part of me.

Today was beautiful. It was not sunny, warm, or even "cheery" in any sense, but it was beautiful. If it rained at all it was hardly enough to make cars glisten, not nearly enough to make puddles. Yet the sky was a brilliant gray and the trees colors were vibrant next to this background. The weather was more correctly discribes as "crisp" not cold nor bitter. The company, however, is best discribed as being perfect. Family. A few months ago I would have discribed family as dysfunctinal, horrible, depressing. Mostly because of the curve balls thrown at my head in the last few years. I realize now how angry I was, and can be sometimes at the past. I dispised my family, I left them the second I legally could. Now mere months later I have no idea what I would do without family. I love them so much. I can depend on them, laugh with them, hug them, and know without one doubt in my mind that they will support me no matter what happens. It really makes me think about the whole, "Things happen for a reason" theory. I think I need to be less ignorant and more appreciative of results. I'm so happy where I am today in life and I honestly don't think I would be here if it wasn't for the tragedies I have overcome. I'm proud of myself, and I'm proud of the person I have become.

I'm an adult with education, family, a relationship, and a job. I think I'm doing a good job. Even though at times I can question and doubt my current status I'm am very happy of my positions. I'm happy I get to share my heart with many people and further my success in life. I'm almost 19 years old. Which is ridiculous. In my 19 years I believe I have seen and felt more than perhaps a 30 year old has on average. I feel advanced and intelligent for my age, which I also strongly think has much to do with what has happened to me. It's really strange how I have grown and overcome so much. Not to say I am a matyr or a heroine of any sort. I can get very sad sometimes, as my previous blog entries obviously display. I can get very depressed and I can easily succumb to my wombs but some how I always bounce back. I'm thankful for that, at least. I know for a fact no matter what happens in my future I will be okay. In the end I will be okay.

I'm sad at the state of many people lately. Actually, no lie. Something of the upmost audacity is afoot, and somehow, I cannot place my finger on the nature of this nonsense. Everyone in anguish of depression or emptiness. I wish I did not feel so damn helpless. I wish I could make the world happy and show certain people the beauty that is them. The sad truth might be I am to afraid to tell my friends and family how much I love them, how absolutely broken I would be if I lost them. And sometimes I think it's the lack of humanistic words. There are no words that would ever do justice for how complete they make me. How much a part of "Christine" they are. One day. One day.

I think what I am trying to say overall would be I'm happy. It's simple. I'm in love, I'm surrounded by people I adore, things may seem bleak at times but as a wise man once told me, "There is a sun at every horizon." And he's right. He's absolutely right. I'm on the road now, the one that feels lukewarm as oppossed to hypothermic-frigid and hellish-burn. Where mortality is non-exsistent, eternity is a possibility, infinite is a reliable goal, impossible is not just a dream, mediocre is in actuality amazing, and the simple things are the most considered. And perhaps miracles are not coincidence, but just that: miracles. On this leaf-covered path love is a common theme and joy is extremely underrated. Blue striped shirts make a heart flutter weakly, and distance is nothing. Cynisim is respectfully ignored and hypocrisy is, of course: acceptable.

One day I'll know if there is a God. And maybe then the wonders of the world won't hurt so badly, and maybe then I'll understand why people suffer, and maybe then I'll know why the trees turn colors. Maybe then.
Untill then I'll hope because that's all I can do. Hope, wish, love, live, and pray and convince myself someone hears me.

I'll end this with I miss him, still. And um I suppose something more "Christiney" (which yes, is a new word. Look for it in the newly published websters dictionaries. You'll find it convienient and often times just damn fun to use.) Something Something Something. Uh, Viva la Revolucion and such nonsense. Fight the power. Down with conformity and go out and throw a brick through the window of a government sanctioned building in the spirit of teenage anarchy, the institution which I refuse to belong to. Uh, and keep watching the sky. [insert clever wink and click of the tounge.]

Soft Landings,
-Christine.

and then I pjam' to rooney in my head.

I haven't blogged in a long time. Mostly because I've been busy and just not in the write everything down kind of mood. However, things have been alright this past week. The love of my life came to visit me and I've been able to be around a lot of family.

I've decided that this week I'm really greatful for my aunt michelle. Well I'm greatful for her all the weeks, but especially this week. She's help me and comforted me through a lot. Via cheap wine and sitcoms. I just love how I can be so open with her. I wish my mom and her shared more than the same shaped face. I absolutely adore living this close to her. It's a literal life saver.

Now I ask you....when did I become a beacon? When did I become somewhat of a helper? A new friend of mine is going through a lot in his life. I've literally only known this kid for weeks and we've spilt the darker parts of our lives to each other. Which is odd and rare. He's getting the help he needs and I've been exactly where he is. Depressed, hardly able to function, not seeing an point what so ever of why life decideds to drag painfully on. And I hope so much that I can get the point across to him that there is more to live for. There is happiness in everything, I hope somehow I can show him that without the disposition of a corny therapist. There's not much more that I can say, though. I just don't know what I would do if something happened to him, more importantly what would happen to his friends, and even my cousin. It's a strange feeling to genuinly love and care for someone whom I hardly know, and an even stranger one to council someone who is going through many of the same things I have trudged. It almost compels me to pray.

I just finished indulging in a very interesting, and yes indie, film. Yet another amazing low budget movie. It's called "Mozart and the Whale." I really do recommend it. So strange and romantic, great camera angles ;) Phenomenal acting. Makes me jones to be creative.

Anyway, other than that I don't have much of an update. Things have been going alright. Been depressed but that's per usual these days. It'll pass. It always does. Thus the life of a struggling genius...kidding.

Well in honor of Luciano Pavarotti's birthday here is a quote:
"For me, music making is the most joyful activity possible, the most perfect expression of any emotion. "

I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

I orginally planned to write this epic blog entry last night after certain happenings however as soon as I made it back to layton from Elyse's all I could think about was how absolutely inviting my bed looked.

So here I am. "The Morning After" if you will... Last night was interesting. I met with Brother Poll which may have been a new development to my religious efforts. I was very curious and nervous as to what would be said in the meeting. The first part was you're average introduction. "Hi...where are you from again? ohh Oregon, I hear it's beautiful this time of year.....mhm...Layton now? Quaint town I lived there a couple years...." Etc. About an hour and half and three gallons of tears later this man who knows me only by my abrupt time-shorted life story is telling me there is something greater than him and I, something much greater, that loves and cares for me. I agree with him in the fact I don't think our meeting together was by chance at all. Maybe who ever the greater power is brings certain people into your life so you can learn and teach and grow closer to whomever he might be. Patience. I have been so angry at myself and the powers to be that I have not been shown the truth. I know better now that I need to be patient. I can't rush God. I have to pay attention to the unanswered prayers as well as the answered. I have to open my eyes and heart a whole lot more to whats happening around me. I learned a lot from our little sit down, and I hope I can keep it fresh in my mind. I really admire all of these people around me, but I still feel outcasts however, I know they are not the ones exclude me, its myself.

Elyse said an interesting thing to me last night on the way home from class. "Screw Brad." Which literally speaking would not be a problem. Okay, okay that wasn't funny. "No seriously Screw brad, screw everyone else just think about you." Simple right? It should be. It sounds easy enough. Allowing ones self to be well, selfish. What do I really want? Me? What am I looking for? What would make me happy? I really need to focus in on these questions aswell. I am being very influenced by the people around me, with good reason. I love them all and they mean the world to me. Though, I need to worry about Christine too. I'm not really sure what Christine wants other than solid answers. Which are obviously not going to happen. I'm not exactly sure why Christine thinks that she has to figure out the world right now. She is very impatient and very stubborn which is an ugly combination when looking for faith. Christine just needs a little time, I think. And she also needs to acknowledge the people around her. Like her bestfriend who is helping a lot more than she realizes. Signing her up for a doctrine class, talking to her depressed ass on long days, laughing with her when she really needs it, and most of all just there. Christine needs to stop refering to herself in 3rd person now, and she needs to go to work.

when the clown gets serious, people listen.

Well my day has been a bundle of laziness. It was what I needed after my last depressing entry. Though my brain is still on super-annoying-analyzing mode, I got somewhat of a break today. I spent 80% of the day Pjammin' and watching ewan mchottie sing. The other 20% was spent in jeans and consuming different varieties of food. Rumbi fries, s'mores via stove-top, hot tea's, doughnuts, 1/4th of a toaster pastry, and most recently a redbull passion with nachos at TGIF.
Yeah, that's right, I'm officially the fattest, laziest person to roam the earth. Ever.

This long-distance thing is still tugging at the back of my mind. It sucks, MUG reader, it frikin' blows apples. Especially when attractive men come up to me, flirt, gives a phone number, smiles a not-Brad smile and walks away. That just it, no one is Braden. I feel like such a whiney idiot but I just miss him. It may have been the Gin-and-tonic my aunt indulged in at TGIF but she was obviously itchin' for a aunt-niece bonding moment. We talked about relationships, Braden, Mom, and like the norm my uncle occasionally chimed in with smart-ass remarks but always meaning well. It was nice to talk to her about him. She married my uncle when she was 19. I'll be 19 in a little over a month and it's wierd to think I could just get married. Especially when the odds of me being even in the same state with brad within the next 3-4 years is slim. It really makes me wonder (oh adam levine). I love him but I really don't know what to do. I guess I'll just see how things play out. I'm just really sick of my relationship being more depressing than happy.

Anyway, tomorrow is sunday I'm debating going to church. Which reminds me of my meeting thingy with Brother Poll on wednesday. Regretting it? Nah...not yet. Just nervous.

your just ten digits and a million miles away.

Alright I feel like crap. What type of crap? Oh it comes in many different varieties my friends.

Crap type 1: I'm coming down with a cold. I couldn't sleep last night partly because my brain wouldn't shut off and mostly because my body was apparently pissed at me for some god awful reason. I'm on many types of medication right now which may or may not result in my premature death. However, I do feel a little better than I did a couple hours ago. Well at least in the "sick" way. Not in the brain-not-shutting-off way.

Crap type 2: I'm tired of love songs. I'm tired of young couples. I'm tired of seeing young pregnant women. I'm tired of being away from him. There's not a damn thing I can do about it. And I'm just a whole jumbled mess of confusion. I love him but he feels the need to tell me everything, everything, everything. Which is great in every relationship except when he tells me about feelings he has for other people, how depressed he is, how he sucks at everything, etc... I just feel helpless. I can't be there for him, I obviously can't make him happy, no matter how many times I tell him he's great at what he does it will never be enough or so it feels. So I don't know what to do. I really don't. Besides I'm not up to standards with his family. Standards which can no doubt be met by someone prettier, smarter, and just in general better than me up there in Idaho. All I know right now is I'm confused, I miss him, and I can't shake away the painful feelings.

Crap type 3: I'm homesick. Yeah, I know... for the first time since I've moved here I miss Oregon. I miss my mother for screaming out loud, which is ridiculous all by itself. I miss my dad, my sister, my grandparents, my dorky little brother. We've all been through so much the past couple years. It just ripped our family apart in discusting ways but in some sick way I miss the dysfunction.

I don't know what's wrong with me today. It's definitely an "off day." The sun might be shining a little to brightly for my mood. I just feel like crawling into a ball and sleeping for a couple days till I feel better about life. Dammit, I don't want to be depressed anymore.

I made an appointment to talk to the professer that teaches the LDS doctrine class that I am currently attending. I'm a bit nervous, I'm not gunna lie. How am I suppose to sit in front of a poor unsuspecting man and tell him my life has been a rollercoaster of hell and heaven and I don't believe in anything as a result of the ride.

UGH. I'm sad.

Someday my son

LMAO
[it's funny because it's so damn true]

migrane the size of nantucket.

How big is nantucket? These are the questions we ask ourselves. Well however big it is I'm sure that the pain throbbing in my head is close to size.

It's the weather. Damn you sunshine, oh so emo of me. At least it's still a bit chilly outside. It also snowed on the very tops of the mountains in the east which explode my eyes into joy equivelant to that of a "photorgasm". Though I am way to lazy and pain striken to take pictures at the moment so it will have to wait.

As I depressingly predicted in last nights journal entry it was yet another busy monday. Which isn't over yet, though the remainder shall hopefully fly by. I procrastinated the hell out of getting up and going to work thus making me very unattractive. Did I care? Nah, not so much. Frumpy days are liberating. Unless attractive males walk by, in which case they are regrettable. Luckily I didn't really have the advantage of eye candy today, and I'm not terribly dissapointed. The only male who walked in alone was creepy and he kept frolicing through the lingerie. He had a wedding ring on but oddly enough the only thing that could cross my mind was the thought of him taking all the womens clothes in his hands home and dressing up, tucking back, and staring at himself in a mirror. Then I realized I had no idea why I had such creepy, fucked up thoughts. Boredom perhaps? My third thought was, oh lord I'm just sitting here with a stapler in my hand staring at this man... and my final thought would be, "What the hell was I going to staple?"

Well this really strange incident ended with the man asking me what lingerie I would purchase. Which isn't a comfortable question, not to me at least. I don't even know this man and I'm certainly not going to tell him whats underneath my clothes. "The light blue ones." Damn me and my awesome costumer service skills. This was all followed by ironically and gayily enough a Cher song spilling from the speakers, "Walking in Memphis" to be exact. Yes you guessed it, Mr. Creepy Lingerie Man started to jam. He sang it just like Cher. Creepily like Cher. Exactly like Cher. Which was enough for me to realize I don't get paid nearly enough to tell a creepy guy singing cher all to well that I would buy light blue lingerie.

It's all offical that I can die content. While at Dennys tonight I got seduced by one of those stuffed animal crane games that eat peoples quarters like flys on dung. Well I've tried unsuccessfuly for many of my years to win at the damn game but every single time the bastard defeats me. Tonight, however was different! I was talking to my uncle telling him if this isn't the time that I win I will give up gambling forever. Dramatically speaking. Well he was taunting me with his funny ways telling me which way the crane should fall for victory I faked a left and gracefully with breath held in, captured a purple stuffed elephant. Yeah I know... it was an awesome moment in my life. It tumbled down the shoot and now is boasting on my bed as a trophy. The only thing that could have made this moment better is a slow motion replay of my uncles face and my arm dramatically swinging in the air. It should be televised on ESPN for all to see.

See what strange sleeping hours and a saturday night at the vortex does to you? Also when I came home last night I ate some potatoes. Purple potatoes? Has there always been purple potatoes? When did this come to be and why did I not get the delicious memo? They were BANGIN'! Thought they did give me some really trippy dreams. I could not figure it out, I think it may be a potatoe-beat-cross. Anyway I'm not complaining they were tastey.

Moral of this story? Purple? A strange but lucky color. Also, I've decided my crush for the week is Ewan Mcgregor. Hubba Hubba.

i'll listen to sir logan.

World has gone totally crazy. Nuts. If it isn't obliterated within the next day, it still won't be the same world.

It's too late and I've been up to many odd hours for consciousness. And I am thirsty for something my house can't satiate.

But overall it's been a joyous weekend. I got to watch an asian in a chef hat throw shrimp in the mouths of those I love. That in itself is something to smile about. This weekend was a nice reminder that life won't always be an organized list. That I don't have to fear being a zombie, as my last blog obviously shows such fear. I will still have plenty of time to do spontaneous things like randomly going to stand next to the hugeness of the Great Salt Lake in the rain.

It rained most of the weekend. I wish I could give people feelings sometimes. I wish they could percieve what I do. Like today for example, it was rainy, dark, and beautiful. Peppermint hot chocolate has never tasted so good. I really thought I would miss Oregon a lot more than I do. Once I see this lit up city at night as rain falls unmercifully down I know that it was the right thing to move. I can't expect Klamath Falls to surprise me, not like this city. It's incredible.

Braden has been unnormal lately, and by "unnormal" I mean...completely weird. Beating himself up more than the usual and whiney. I'm aware that sometimes I can be insensitive towards him in these moods. However, if he doesn't tell me the roots of these problems all I can really do is assume. Which isn't very good. There are times I really do wonder if all of this is right. Plenty of people say you'd feel no doubt if it was right. I don't think it's doubt. I think it's more confusion and hopefulness that all of this is the right "thing." For sadly once in the past couple days tonight was alright talking to him. Though I think I talked to Logan and Jeff most of the time. Sometimes I think being completely stoned turns certain people into genius, because Logan knew what he was talking about. And as far as Braden and I go, I think I'll take his advice:

"Chrriiistine, dude...I love brad, he's like a saint...oh man i'm so fucked up right now...jarble...oops sorry i dropped the phone...are you there? ok. I love brad, marry him...he'll take care of you cause well, i have no idea where i am right now but i know it's okay because brads here...shiiit. He's a good guy...hahaha...you're a lucky grill i mean girl...haha grill...oh yeah...okay bye...wait no one more thing... if you break him heart i'm gunna be pissed he frikin loves you"

Well I think I'll take Logans advice. Well tomorrow is monday, to be exact in 46 minutes it will be monday. Back to the norm. Back to Zombisms. Back to playing mental hackisack with anyone's head who crosses my non-caffeinated-morning-path. Back to insanely missing him. I missed my family a lot today, at really random times that as far as I know had absolutely no relevance to what I did today. I find it funny I'm more depressed when the temperature outside exceeds 70 degrees, but not histerically. I'm happier when it rains. Which corrected me if I'm wrong, is also a Ben Harper song.

tangled in hotel sheets

I'm pretty sure I've gotten into the funk of living one day at a time hoping inside that god, or whomever in my case, desides to hurry and spin the world a little faster so these long days go by faster.

It seems like everyday this week has been the same day. Wake up, take a shower, eat something, go to work, come home, have dinner, veg out, go to sleep. Repeat. I kid you not... like every-single-day. I feel like a zombie.

The thing that scares me the most is that it's probably not going to change. Even as I grow older I will go to school, work, home. Then eventually just work and home. I really can't stand my life to be on a schedule like that and it frightens me that that is what life is all about. Growing up...getting a job...getting married...having kids...retirement...death. I feel that the days are dragging on but the moments go by way to fast.

It seems as though I will be really excited and look forward to things that aren't normal in my everyday routine and then they will happen and be done with and then back to the same ol' same ol'. Well Jesus, I HATE THE SAME OL' SAME OL'! I'm way to random and eccentric to be blue collar, to libral to be a high-up-there buisness person, to feminist to be a stay at home mom, and to high matinance to ever be a dirty hippy.

Where the hell do us weird, undecided people fit in? How can Christine Friedrich just have a normal dayjob and a damn minivan? No no no... I don't like that idea. I want to travel! I want to see the world! I want to be the genius/moderately insane artist who captures controversal pictures! I don't want to be famous, I don't really even want to be rich. I just want to be happy. I can't stand to picture myself growing into a "desperate housewife", sadistic mother, a boring family person who works 9-5 and walks a dog, or even worse...turn out like my family.

Okay, okay so I will admit sometimes I get maternal, and sometimes I jones to be married. I wouldn't mind having a dog to walk, a husband to kiss when he gets home for works, a few mini christine's pop out, and a white picket fence doesn't sound all that bad... but if that has to inevitably happen can it please happen soon? I swear 19 years old is the worst age. You're right in between the hell that is called high school, and the crazyness that is your early twenties. However, in between sucks ass.

I wish I could stop living day-to-day. I want the world to speed up. I want this whole nonesence to be over. I just want to be with him again. OKAY!! I SAID IT! JESUS CHRIST! YOU CAUGHT ME! It's itchin' the back of my mind everyday... it's secretly behind every damn word in this very blog entry. I love Brad. I miss him and I want to be with him. I'm really sick of this long-distance shit. I'm tired of only seeing him days at a time and talking to him via phone. His picture isn't the same, his voice sounds sad, and his shirt doesnt smell like him anymore :( (that was pathetic). There are no glistening tear shit in the world of christine, only mad-crazy wailings. I want to go back to the days where I sat next to him EVERYDAY, we jammed cello's together and everything was fine. I just... dammit...I love him. I love him. You capturing this MUG readers? I love brad and I miss him. WHINE WHINE WHINE. I just want something better to happen. I dont want to watch my young years go by working everyday, motivated by nothing else but little clicks' and caffiene. Waiting and wishing that night would come fast and morning would hurry up so I can be with him.

i miss him. alot.

[UGH.]

P.S. That was a really weird blog entry, I mean not the missing brad part because well that's damn obvious. But the whole spill about my life adding up to something...really...I have no idea where that shit came from, be it true.

Mahāyāna Buddhism

I'm stressed, tired and annoyed. Yeah it's monday.

Work was hellish, so was the DMV, I didn't sleep at all last night because of numeros weird dreams. I look unattractive and I have a horsey voice. Complain. Complain. Complain.

Really, I'm getting sick. Which isn't perfect timing. My outermediate family is INSANE, thank god I have my currentmediate family right now. I'm really glad my uncle is home. He's teaching me tons about buddhism lately. I feel it man. It's really a great thing. Speaking of such, I need to meditate and relieve some of this stress and then maybe I won't get as sick.

Though, I wish I was patient enough to be buddhist, but I'm not. I dunno if I will be in the near future, but then again... I'm way to nonconformist to ever actually join an organized religion. I'm way to damn stubborn, unless circumstances called for it.

Well... I'll go meditate now. Bye.

theres nothing you can do.

Have you ever heard the expression, "...and it was so beautiful it damn near broke your heart?"

Sometimes I feel that way. Okay honestly? I feel that way a lot. Like when I see a beautiful picture, or hear a song, or see a pretty moment. That feeling in my chest that strikes a muse. Where I want everyone I can get my hands on to percieve that moment just as i do. So they can feel that almost unbearable feeling that is in term really indescribable.

Like something is just so damn beautiful it literally breaks your heart.

But I can't give anyone my feelings, nor can anyone give me theirs. I cannot allow anyone but my being to see into my soul. So I guess those feelings have to be trapped in my mind and heart. At times they may be able to escape through writing, or even tears.

I'm just annoyed with creativity. I feel like perhaps I have thing artistic gift to see the world differently but I am limited in talent to express my feelings.

What a strange curse...

Oh Salt Lake, you never fail me.

Well this weekend was definitly one of the weirdest experiences of my entire existence of 18 years and 10 months.

It was a nice saturday night in the big city so Elyse and I decided it would be basically pimp shit to go clubbing. So we did. And this is a bit of a round up of such circumstances and what I learnt:


1. Mac Makeup is a must when you bump and grind for sweaty situations.
2. Area 51 is the SCARIEST club in Salt Lake City. Please spare yourself from seeing this hell of an emo freak show. I was in a fucking polo for crying out loud.
3. The valet parking boys at that one club on temple square are flattering, and kind of cute.
4. Club Vortex was one of the strangest, coolest, moviest experiences I have EVER HAD.
5. I like DAVE signs are heavy, but fun to steal from the avenues.
6. Wendys and East High School are a must for saturday nights. East High school...where THE High School Musical was filmed at. It was epic.


I literally woke up with a headache, messy hair, sore legs, makeup running, and a stamp that says SEXY on my hand. I call this new morning Club Hangover.

As far as testestrone, I have officially overdosed. I'm at a content level, minus the fact it's not coming from the person I would want it to come from. ie: braden.

Oh well. As Elyse might say, "I'm aimlessly walking around in circles looking for something, but I dont know what it is..."

As is my life yo, as-is-my-life.

well.

I think I figured somethings out.


Yeah. I think I did.

how can I believe in god when just yesterday I got my tounge caught in an electric typewriter?

Have I mention I'm depressed lately? Discustingly sad. I miss my grandfather, I'm tired of going back to Oregon. Work is stressful, my family has another damn thing wrong with it every single day and now my boyfriend is to busy hanging out with other girls to talk to me.

Joy to the fucking world.

I'd stop reading now unless you want to fully understand my depressed, angry, venting thoughts. If you keep reading, thanks you must really be a friend.

I want Jesus. I've prayed every single night. I'm trying really hard. I had a long talk with my aunt tonight. She is catholic and actually very devout. She believes in christianity and is probably one of the nicest people you will ever meet in your life, no exaggeration. Seriously she spews niceness. By knowing her now one would never guess she went through a 13 year struggle without any faith. She didnt believe anyone and she was pretty depressed. I don't know how she did it. I can't do this for 13 years. I might just shoot myself. Maybe I am looking to hard. But if I'm not looking I feel like a lazy, hypocritical oof. It seems I am always reading something about faith but the more christian literature I read the more confused I get.

I'm not okay with just the bible. I'm to logical for spirituality. And I want to punch myself in the damn face. I'm so frustrated.

I miss my boyfriend but its time like this when I just want to say, "fuck it." And just get rid of this whole distance crap.
I'm so confused, depressing, ramsackled, dismayed.

I'm going to go down some tylenol pm and forget I'm alive for the night.

In my heart is where you are

It's official. I'm going a little crazy. It was really weird waking up today. I feel like I should call out there and see how he's doing, but I already know.

Ahgjksdhgkjrgkertggg. That's what's on my mind right now. Jumble, jumble, jumble. I called my mother and she read his obituary to me. Ah I can't believe it actually happened. He cheated death for so long. I guess it's good, but not when I'm an agnostic I suppose. I need faith. I need jesus himself to alight upon my couch much like a fly might upon a marsbar. And I need him to say, "Christine stop being dumb, I'm real." Yeah, that would be perfect.

I need to write something for the funeral. Though my literary genius isn't exactly showing lately, quite obvious to the readers of MUG. (elyse). Sorry to dissapoint. Haha.

So I'm going back to Oregon on thursday. Which reminds me of a quote, "How can I miss you if you dont leave?" I'm not sure exactly who said it, but I get where they're coming from. How utterly, insanely depressing.

Something good could happen anytime now and I would be very happy. I don't think I'm being ignorant. I really think everything sucks at the moment. Well I drove by walmart the other day and there was a bum on the street.

It could be worse?

"I whistle at all the pretty girls"

warning: emo.

He's gone now.

And all I can do is listen to depressing classicalish music and indulge myself in a pumpkin spice latte. I still have not hugged a man in a week. I'm officially depressed and a little maternal.
My chest has that discustingly heavy pressure that makes it hard to take a deep breath. I think I'm literally dehydrated from crying to much. Regina Spektor was a bad choice.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother with a long-distance relationship. Why put myself through that kind of sadness? And in the end I know I say that only because I miss him. But I still question if all of this is worth it, because I'm never gunna be good enough for his family. No matter who I am, no matter if I'm nice or intelligent. Just because I'm not like them. I hate prejudice. I'm sorry I don't have faith. They have no idea how much it kills me too. Can't I just love him? Can't that be enough?

My family is crazy. I miss those crazy bastards though. I worry about them all, and now that's he's gone I don't know what will happen. All I know is back in the day the Cole/Friedrich klan must have done some pretty bad shit for all this karma.

I just want to crawl in a big hole.

Damnit.

it's undeniable, how brilliant you are.

I love spagetti out of the can. It's the only way man, it's the only way. Reminds me of the time I spent being a Nanny. Kids love their chef boy rd. I do miss those little ones but I am so glad those days are over. It made me seriously consider ever having children. Doesn't sound like a good idea. But I guess I'll learn that lesson one day, maybe twice.

Which reminds me of a whole-lotta things I've had to learn twice in life;

There's too much and too little.
That's a good metaphor for a lot of things, but I'll leave it to you to figure it out what they are.

Above all things, patience.
The best freedom is the ability to control your own life. That's something you don't achieve just once, but over and over again.

We are all pure potentiality.
The question is, for what?

I believe that all roads lead to the same place--and that is wherever all roads lead to.

If you don't own stock, you don't have to worry about how you're doing in the great Wall Street gamble.

No matter what you do: be truthful.

You know? Guy Clark probably had it all figured out when he wrote "Stuff that works." Sammy Alfred had it all figured out when he declared a five-dollar whining fee, and Ray Benson had it ALL figured out--I mean the whole shebang--but then he realized he was just stoned.

Farmers work the hardest, waitresses are second. Hookers get an honorable mention.
I'm not a farmer, a waitress, or a hooker but I like myself better when I'm working hard and writing regularly.

I'm not a doctor but it's not hard to see that one of the cheif causes of high blood pressure in todays society is worrying about the possibility of having high blood pressure.

Funny is all around us, but you have to let it in.
Laughing gets the silly out.

Crying is okay.
Crying gets the sad out.

Advice is a funny thing because no matter what you seek you know your just going to end up doing what you want.
So take my advice...do what you want.

And finally my last lesson learnt today, particularly at work is: if you want to find something: stop looking. If you already found it: stop looking. If you forgot what you are looking for: stop looking.
But If a hot guy walks by, look.

Picture now:

and I probably miss you more than I should

We now interupt this regularly scheduled program of "Musings of Undiscovered Genius" or MUG if you will for an important message:

I miss men.

There! I said it! But to better understand this message I will further explain my ordeal. Usually I have a man in my life, not just a significant other, just a man. For example I lived with my father for 18 years, My bestfriend in the whole world is a man, My grandfather helped raise me, I have an amazing boyfriend, and I currently live with my uncle.

However, My uncle is in Klamath Falls where my grandfather, said bestfriend and father live. And my darling, amazing, wonderful boyfriend currently resides in Idaho. I work with umpteenmillion girls, my boss is a girl, my best-utah friend is a girl, I am at home with my aunt and girl cousin, not that I don't adore each one of them but really I miss boy.

There is way to much estrogen in the air. I need some nice, thick testosterone or I might go a bit insane. Voice's aren't cutting it. I need a man-hug.

Alright, now that this really weird blog entry is complete I will now leave you alone to you're regularly scheduled program. I'm going to bed now. Buenas noches.

Please enjoy this weird picture:

the tao of pirates

So things have been incredibly hectic lately. I have two part time jobs, education, and family to worry about. In the midst of it all I have reacted as the norm Christine would; first whine, second cry a bit, third get pissed, and fourth (and my personal favorite) denial aka "hakuna matata."

I've been secretly dwelling the whole idea of doing things the "right" way. I guess to accomplish that I must do what will lead me to the "right" things. Something in me believes that if I do things according to the sense of the right, it'll work out to everyone's advantage. If I do things that try to make the sense of wrong, all kinds of bad shit can result. For starters I could get myself killed or seriously and emotionally damage my future-both very negative incentives that should keep me from screwing up to badly.

Therefor I suppose it is quite obvious I value life. The life I value is one that is connected to all things. The secret to happiness lies in finding those connections. We are roads and rivers, we are paintboxes full of color but are only learning how to use them. We are never as strong as we feel nor as smart as we think. Most of us have to high opinion of ourselves anyway.

This is where my religion quest continues. Tonight in LDS class I learnt from a very smart, though very confusing, man that we should never ignore feelings that may seem irrelivant or even annoying at times. Like for instance, deja vu. We've all felt it right? That tingly sensation that naggs us for a moment in time thats almost scary, the "Whoa.. I've soo been here before, doing this exact thing." moment. Even though we know it is just simply impossible. Well what this man told us is that by opening our hearts in a way we can define deja vu in a more spiritual sense. That God has preordained a plan for us and he's every once in a while letting us know that we are on the right path. That years and years before we were conceived that, that simple moment would indeed happen. Deja vu would somehow let us know, "wow...i'm suppose to be here."

So what is the moral? Open your heart. And let me inform you; Christine Friedrich saying that is like (I apologize in advance for my one-sided view) George Bush saying War is Wrong. Discustingly hypocritical. I realize I am not one to advice anyone. But I do believe if we can open our hearts than we can grow intellectually. With an open heart you will taste the goodness of every crumb, feel the proudness of every winning goal, and feel the pain of every mother who looses her son in war, either from our country of the country they call our enemy. With an open heart we will feel the grace in every falling leaf and taste the life in every drop of rain. The trick is not to be afraid of the beauty or the rain so we can better open our hearts without the fear they will be crushed.

There comes a time in each of our lives when we have the opportunity to reach out and turn the switch that will change darkness to light. All we have to do is slow down, remember who we are and who we would like to be. All we have to do is make those connections to our fellow man and to the world around us. Then we have to reach out and turn on that switch. I can't tell you where the switch is or where you might be able to find it. As I am still in search for mine. I can't guarantee that it will work the first or the second or even the third time that you try it. I just know it's there, waiting for you.

I'm just Christine. I'm not a martyr or a heroine. You would not regonize me if we simply passed each other on the street, nor will anyone publish my thoughts long after I die. I don't know as much as I could, but I do know that if you've come this far with me, then you are my friend.

And I hope that each of us finds our way.

visiting a place called home.

Well here I am. Home. What a silly word; home. How exactly does one define it? A place where your family resides? An actual building? A town or city? My definition of Home is Layton, Utah at the moment. For 18 years it was among beautiful, tall, evergreens in Klamath Falls, Oregon. However I noticed that as I drove back into the city from my visit in Oregon the only thought that passed my mind was, "Thank god, I'm almost home."

Many people say dying is a part of living. Though very wise, those people must have been hiding a certain hurt behind a mask of philosophy. It's easy to say words, it's hard to say feelings. I said goodbye to a man that helped me grow up. That was there when I was born, who taught me how to drive a truck, who gave me my addiction to coffee, who helped me build and paint birdhouses, who gave me rough hugs, and cried when he couldn't come to my graduation because he was to sick. And it's hard. And next time I drive out to Bonanza, nothing will be the same without him. I'll never see him again. Only in pictures, in memories, and in my mothers face sometimes. I don't know why it's taken so rough, he's been dying for years. It's just the hurt when the moment comes, I suppose. I feel so angry at myself for not believing in god. How can I not believe when someone i love is gone? There has to be more than all of this. He has to be looking down...right?

And I can try to pray, but it feels fake. So for now I'll just hope my Grandfather is the one listening.

So here I am going about my life when so much of it has changed over one damn weekend. I know it will get better over time. I just feel really depressed and lonely I guess.

I miss Braden. So much, it was almost harder seeing him leave this time than last time. Being around him, being able to touch him and kiss him is just another reminder of how amazing he is and how inevitably he will always leave. I hate distance, I hate change. I love him. And I wish I were accepted more within his family. I can't help who I am... I like who I am, I don't want to change for anyone else. I dont think I should. I just wish it were like those silly underdog-type movies where in the end the good is sought through the differences of people and the little guy prevails. However this is real life. Fuck.

I just want something to go right. I wouldn't be me if I changed from this. And I don't want to measure life from the tears that drip from my face. I want to measure it by the laughter on my lips. However that seems rare these days. I need sleep and a hug.

Three cheers for a new blog home.

Hip, hip, hooray.


Another hot day in Salt Lake City, the kind of day that makes one dreadfully fear touching leather steering wheels. Ouch. Oh the shade of an Oregon pine tree has never sounded so inviting. How did this exactly happen? Two weeks ago I was under a Oregon pine tree saying goodbye to all those lovely faces and now here I am getting ready to drive to an actual mall to begin a dayjob. I feel like I'm in a movie; first scene: "oh goodbye!" tears, tears, "spread your wings little one!!" etc... Than the screen reads, "2 weeks later." All of a sudden I'm stuck in big city traffic, radio blaring, horns honking, to many breaklights and me, small-town-girl, me. Head perfectly slumped against steering wheel asking the clouds if my choice was right. Was all this around me right? Though to the audience the answer seems easy, "No stupid...you had it right the first time, go on now, go back to where you belong, where there are no malls or traffic..." But if only the audience knew how lovely that same city is when it sparkles in the nighttime. While your driving along in not-so-rough traffic. The way it glows like a huge disco ball, then they would know why. Why she left the pine trees and the lovely faces. Because there was something outside that, something so much... bigger, brighter, sparklier, and waiting for someone like her.